20180701 dream

20180701 dream I and a bunch of other "me's" were around a fifth wheel trailer where one part of me had gone in to talk with the occupant. The trailer front was close the the ground as there was a hill, and one of the parts of me laid on the ground to hold the trailer up. Lying on the ground with my arms holding the trailer above me, bracing it against the ground. As more weight entered the trailer, it pressed down on my chest cutting off my breathing. As I tried to signal what was happening, I died. I figure now that I died in the dream, but it must have been third person view, as I wasnt really scared in the dream. After I awoke I realized that that was a part of my communication that is dying or needs to die. Jen and I had a fight/disagreement. Janel was talking about her wedding, she decided she could not invite family members as it was getting too big. So since she couldn't find a way to invite only a few without inviting many, no one can come. She said she was having trouble thinking of how to pay for an officiator and a photographer, she had considered me for the photos since it would be like I was there for the photos and not being invited to the wedding. It's complicated. I mentioned that I am ordained and could perform weddings. She then said maybe to having me do the officiating and photos. They would need a witness too, so she checked with tees friends who could not make it. I was going to tell Jen but Janel said she wanted to. She this get and it hurt Jen's feelings. Not being invited but mostly that I didn't tell her. I thought about Jen and a weekend away, where them I go do the services. Jen didn't like the idea of going up there and then sitting at the hotel and not being able to go to the wedding. Jen hadn't told me yet about her feelings. When I found out that Jen had to work that weekend and couldn't go I thought to myself that I didn't want to go either. I found out when we went to dinner. I hate the feelings that I have now, anxiety and depression, I want to cancel going to do the wedding but I've committed and Jen doesn't want me to say anything to Janel. So a part of me has died. 20180702 So I keep making a bad situation worse. I've been wracking my brain on how to make this work, Jen's been distant, quiet. She says she doesn't want to go, I don't want to go without her, it's an 11 hour drive, family is technically not supposed to be there, I'm saving her $2000, one of the boys could go, I just found out that I have a kidney stone stuck in the tube, surgery tentatively scheduled in August so would I be up for an 11 hour drive? I text Janel and say I might not be able to make it. I'd rather say it now than at the last minute and leave her high and dry. I offer to help pay for a photographer and officiator. She says she wouldn't have me pay for that then stops replying. Jen tells me I shouldn't have tried to back out of it this way and she's right. I'm an idiot, I keep doing things like this and screwing things up. Help me to remember this feeling so I don't make this same mistake in the future. I need to see the chain of events and what happened so I can not to it next time. 5pm Jennifer got the results back from her ultrasound on her head, she's been having headaches (usual) but also a specific pain on the right base of her skull and ringing in her ears. The us speed some unidentified lesions on the center of her brain so they are sending her to a neurologist. She is not too worried, but with her mom's altzhimers that is one of the signs.