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first fist Stunned Fortunately training ignorant Good fighters dodge playful shadow boxing kid glove brass knuckles transitions unprepared underdog. purpose in communicating understood agree to disagree written word. communication connection Exchanges where I didn’t connect well are all too frequent. To highlight these exchanges, this story illustrates it best: My wife and I are talking about an issue that has been a raw spot between us. We both want to be understood and heard, and there are usually issues that we want the other to agree with us on. As the conversation goes, those issues that we don’t agree on start to flow to the top. “We’ve talked about this before. Remember…” or “What I’m trying to tell you is…” are usually indications that she feels like she has not been heard. The next step is the ‘find a larger rock to get it through his thick skull’ phase. Eventually as emotions rise, something from the past is brought up and mixed in with five questions in succession. Like a one two punch, or actually five rapid shots. It becomes overwhelming and I tune out, like a fighter that’s gotten his bell rung. In another example, I am speaking with a scouting colleague as we are setting the boys up with a painting activity. He mentions that the paints might stain the Formica table. I say that the paints are acrylic and I have already cleaned up dried paint off of them so it shouldn’t be a problem. We go back and forth for a bit and when neither one of us budges from our stance, he says as he is leaving “It will stain it.” A parting shot with no chance of a rebuttal. I’ve learned to communicate better through these trials but it hasn’t been easy. I’ve learned to slow down, dissect questions and jabs, answer them in order, and communicate more in general. If I were to conclude there is little point in trying to connect, I may turn away from communicating all together, which is not helpful. In other relationships, coworkers go to their separate corners and family members keep their emotional distance from each other. Depending on the kind of dialog you are having, your interaction will need to be tailored. Just as you don’t want to enter the ring thinking you’re there as a spectator, you don’t want to enter a conversation with fighting words, and you don’t want to show up to an argument with conversational words. My greatest communicative partner is my wife, Jennifer. She doesn’t realize it because I don’t communicate well, but she knows more of my heart than anyone. When we were first dating and later married, we communicated on hyper drive. The simple fact that everything was new exuded confidence, and was above it, for emotion was raw and unguarded, and nothing else mattered. We were open to ourselves and each other with each new step, not caring about the costs that were being spent. We didn’t need confidence then. My wife and I do not argue much, but when we do it destroys the confidence within us and simultaneously the confidence within the other. Afterwards each step is hesitant and unsure. The fear that even the very effort of reaching out might be flung and fall upon the ground at the feet of one who is no longer paying attention. Sometimes we don’t confront these difficult issues because if we do we have to fully experience and understand them, which is arduous. It is easier to live in a bit of ignorance. I fall into the pattern of running around not really engaging anyone else around me. It creates enemies simply by the perception of indifference. There is the problem. Is there an answer? Of course, as there is always a solution.  More correct communication. Connections Posted on July 18, 2016 by robherr I never see that first fist coming at me until long after it lands and I find myself wondering what just happened. Stunned, dazed, and confused I stammer back in defense, but don’t realize that I am already in round three of the fight. Fortunately I do not enter this ring very often, or unfortunately perhaps, as I would be better prepared. A little training and sparring would help, but I’ve always been a slow learner. I’ve stepped into this ring all too ignorant of my opponent and also of my own abilities. Good fighters can think on their feet, they are sharp and quick; they dodge and weave through their counterparts jabs. It usually starts playful enough, shadow boxing and joking around, a playful match of taps on the shoulder and bumps. Somewhere it changes from kid gloves in a regulated match, to brass knuckles in a dark alley. I never see these transitions coming, until it is too late. This sparring match has been a contest of words, and I the unprepared underdog. I don’t respond quickly and I am not witty. I would make a horrible addition to a debate team. Our purpose in communicating largely determines the outcome of the conversation, so it is important to understand our position. I value being understood more highly than being agreed with. I can wholeheartedly agree to disagree, and not be offended. I can typically tolerate people not agreeing with me, but if I feel misunderstood I will likely continue the conversation in an attempt to clarify my point. And yet I have realized over the years that the way I communicate best is through written word. If I want to let someone know how I’m feeling I write a letter or a note. I can formulate thought, revise and edit my point and make it more clear and understandable. Overall, I’ve learned that communication is a connection, and we each need to find out how we interact in the best way and use that form. Exchanges where I didn’t connect well are all too frequent. To highlight these exchanges, this story illustrates it best: My wife and I are talking about an issue that has been a raw spot between us. We both want to be understood and heard, and there are usually issues that we want the other to agree with us on. As the conversation goes, those issues that we don’t agree on start to flow to the top. “We’ve talked about this before. Remember…” or “What I’m trying to tell you is…” are usually indications that she feels like she has not been heard. The next step is the ‘find a larger rock to get it through his thick skull’ phase. Eventually as emotions rise, something from the past is brought up and mixed in with five questions in succession. Like a one two punch, or actually five rapid shots. It becomes overwhelming and I tune out, like a fighter that’s gotten his bell rung. In another example, I am speaking with a scouting colleague as we are setting the boys up with a painting activity. He mentions that the paints might stain the Formica table. I say that the paints are acrylic and I have already cleaned up dried paint off of them so it shouldn’t be a problem. We go back and forth for a bit and when neither one of us budges from our stance, he says as he is leaving “It will stain it.” A parting shot with no chance of a rebuttal. I’ve learned to communicate better through these trials but it hasn’t been easy. I’ve learned to slow down, dissect questions and jabs, answer them in order, and communicate more in general. If I were to conclude there is little point in trying to connect, I may turn away from communicating all together, which is not helpful. In other relationships, coworkers go to their separate corners and family members keep their emotional distance from each other. Depending on the kind of dialog you are having, your interaction will need to be tailored. Just as you don’t want to enter the ring thinking you’re there as a spectator, you don’t want to enter a conversation with fighting words, and you don’t want to show up to an argument with conversational words. My greatest communicative partner is my wife, Jennifer. She doesn’t realize it because I don’t communicate well, but she knows more of my heart than anyone. When we were first dating and later married, we communicated on hyper drive. The simple fact that everything was new exuded confidence, and was above it, for emotion was raw and unguarded, and nothing else mattered. We were open to ourselves and each other with each new step, not caring about the costs that were being spent. We didn’t need confidence then. My wife and I do not argue much, but when we do it destroys the confidence within us and simultaneously the confidence within the other. Afterwards each step is hesitant and unsure. The fear that even the very effort of reaching out might be flung and fall upon the ground at the feet of one who is no longer paying attention. Sometimes we don’t confront these difficult issues because if we do we have to fully experience and understand them, which is arduous. It is easier to live in a bit of ignorance. I fall into the pattern of running around not really engaging anyone else around me. It creates enemies simply by the perception of indifference. There is the problem. Is there an answer? Of course, as there is always a solution.  More correct communication.