20180703

20180703 I've realized over the past few days that I have a cyclic depression/anxiety. Fortunately it is short lived and not very frequent. I think I've had it all my life. Is it seasonal or situational? But during these times I don't think straight, make bad decisions, and say things that I wouldn't normally say. I don't work well under pressure. I misinterpret others and become hyper-critical. With the anxiety, my decision making process is off. I decide out of desperation and become alarmist, overly quick to make rash decisions. With the depression, I become moody, my thoughts turn dark, I find no joy in life. It affects every aspect of my life where I wonder if I've have ever been happy. I know I have but during these times I can no longer feel it. It is a dark place where I don't care whether I live or die. I need to remember this feeling and the triggers that put me here so I can circumvent them in the future and avoid all this. I also don't appreciate the good times as much as I should. Looking back over old emails I realized that the majority of our disagreements are in the summer, I don't know why that is. Maybe that is part of my seasonal cycle, maybe I don't do well with the heat.

20180701 dream

20180701 dream I and a bunch of other "me's" were around a fifth wheel trailer where one part of me had gone in to talk with the occupant. The trailer front was close the the ground as there was a hill, and one of the parts of me laid on the ground to hold the trailer up. Lying on the ground with my arms holding the trailer above me, bracing it against the ground. As more weight entered the trailer, it pressed down on my chest cutting off my breathing. As I tried to signal what was happening, I died. I figure now that I died in the dream, but it must have been third person view, as I wasnt really scared in the dream. After I awoke I realized that that was a part of my communication that is dying or needs to die. Jen and I had a fight/disagreement. Janel was talking about her wedding, she decided she could not invite family members as it was getting too big. So since she couldn't find a way to invite only a few without inviting many, no one can come. She said she was having trouble thinking of how to pay for an officiator and a photographer, she had considered me for the photos since it would be like I was there for the photos and not being invited to the wedding. It's complicated. I mentioned that I am ordained and could perform weddings. She then said maybe to having me do the officiating and photos. They would need a witness too, so she checked with tees friends who could not make it. I was going to tell Jen but Janel said she wanted to. She this get and it hurt Jen's feelings. Not being invited but mostly that I didn't tell her. I thought about Jen and a weekend away, where them I go do the services. Jen didn't like the idea of going up there and then sitting at the hotel and not being able to go to the wedding. Jen hadn't told me yet about her feelings. When I found out that Jen had to work that weekend and couldn't go I thought to myself that I didn't want to go either. I found out when we went to dinner. I hate the feelings that I have now, anxiety and depression, I want to cancel going to do the wedding but I've committed and Jen doesn't want me to say anything to Janel. So a part of me has died. 20180702 So I keep making a bad situation worse. I've been wracking my brain on how to make this work, Jen's been distant, quiet. She says she doesn't want to go, I don't want to go without her, it's an 11 hour drive, family is technically not supposed to be there, I'm saving her $2000, one of the boys could go, I just found out that I have a kidney stone stuck in the tube, surgery tentatively scheduled in August so would I be up for an 11 hour drive? I text Janel and say I might not be able to make it. I'd rather say it now than at the last minute and leave her high and dry. I offer to help pay for a photographer and officiator. She says she wouldn't have me pay for that then stops replying. Jen tells me I shouldn't have tried to back out of it this way and she's right. I'm an idiot, I keep doing things like this and screwing things up. Help me to remember this feeling so I don't make this same mistake in the future. I need to see the chain of events and what happened so I can not to it next time. 5pm Jennifer got the results back from her ultrasound on her head, she's been having headaches (usual) but also a specific pain on the right base of her skull and ringing in her ears. The us speed some unidentified lesions on the center of her brain so they are sending her to a neurologist. She is not too worried, but with her mom's altzhimers that is one of the signs.

20180702

14629 / 13847 - Emoji Blitz Stitch Booster Set - Laughing pin Sku 400020138019 14628 / 13845 - Emoji Blitz Stitch Booster Set - Heart Eyes pin Sku 400020138019 14631 / 13844 - Emoji Blitz Stitch Booster Set - Sticking Out Tongue pin Sku 400020138019 14626 / 13846 - Emoji Blitz Stitch Booster Set - Embarrassed pin Sku 400020138019 4890 - Emoji Blitz Stitch Booster Set Nerds Rock! Head Collection - Stitch SKU 4 00006 18847 2 15499 - Nautilius Limited Edition of 250 Bronze Nautilius from 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea Booster Collection Stitch Biting Disney Pin 40553 28 9.90 free Booster Collection Stitch Crawling with Tongue Out Disney Pin 40552 15 1.90 1.99 Donald Pirate Barrel 16 Dopey and Doc Splash Mountain 4 Mickey Pirate Cannon 1 Chip and Dale Bigfoot Print Matterhorn 3 Lilo and Stitch Space Mountain 3 Mickey Donald Pluto Goofy Hollywood Tower Hotel 2 Dumbo Soarin' 2 Mickey and Minnie Haunted Mansion 13

20180702

20180702 As I approached 100, I thought to myself: if a tire blew out, I ran over a two by four, a car sideswiped me; how long would it hurt? Would I black out from the pain, have a heart attack while tumbling along the road, get crushed under tires? While my bones break, would I wish to survive?

20180701

Make a drywall screw hairbrush

20180701

2080701 One drop. A single teardrop into the carpet. It dissipated and disappeared like the life of the one who shed it. If I was to kill myself today, there would be no one to stop me. I've tried to find and see the point in continuing on. It's hard to see. People would be disappointed, heartbroken for a while, but they would get over it and life would go on. I've been trying to talk myself out of it. I know that if I made the choice to do it, that would be it. I haven't made the choice. I don't want to live in this depression. I don't want to live under this weight. It changes the way I view everything and everyone. Happy wife happy life must be a true statement cause I don't feel anything good when we are fighting or having a disagreement. Sometimes life just sucks. #HappyWifeHappyLife It's strange that during depression, it feels as though one had never felt joy in life at all.

20180627

art kane masters of contemporary photography Temptation peacock / Bantam Larkin first edition paperback Scar strangled Banger Ralph Steadman dust jacket Your world United Nations environment programme 18th National print exhibit Brooklyn Museum 1972 1973 paperback Moonshadow DC vertigo 10 of 12 January 1995 Taboo Especial 1991 Clip-on in a box Utah David munch fourth hardback dust jacket enter Adams / national parks first edition paperback Clarence John Laughlin aperture 17 3 and 4 Enter Flesh and Blood hardback dust jacket picture project Grateful Dead official grushkin Enter Spectrum to Burnett Fenner hardback dust jacket enter Henry Mora Chronicle hardback dust jacket enter bouguereau whisman Nuka Enter art of color photography John hedgecoe Enter Pink Floyd miles and turn creation Viking first edition Shawn Mortensen out of mind hardback enter John hedgecoe is Advanced photography hardback does jacket enter Mike Allred madman signed Encyclopedia of magic and Witchcraft Greenwood paperback enter National way to draw nikolaides 1941. Marvel es Daniels paperback Batman Dark Knight Rises Frank Miller 1986 enter two guys staring at the moon clip on first edition whack your porcupine first edition.

20180621

20180621 Je Ja and Ri had a discussion slash blow out last night. Ma had confronted Bo when Bo came over a few weeks ago and was spouting lies. He was down the hall had Ri cornered in the bedroom and was saying that Ma was a liar about things that have been said Etc that she was misquoting El and that El and never said that she believed my inappropriate things or molested, if molested was the right word, that she used. He was saying that she El never told Ma that. Su had confronted Bo few weeks prior and then Ma had confronted Bo as well. With Ma out of town Je felt that if Bo came over she would have to defend herself so she was telling Ri what she would do so that she and he were mentally prepared for it. And Ri felt that Je
was making something out of nothing. That nothing had happened yet and she shouldn't be telling him, her father, what to do. but she was only saying that she would not let Bo corner him down the hall that if you wanted to talk he would have to talk out in the living room. It went back and forth it was very frustrating. Listening to them argue is like listening to two brick walls converse with each other. When Ri has an opinion no evidence to the contrary sways his opinion. He's very stubborn and set in his ways. And his thinking. It is partially who the information is coming from. He doesn't realize it but he's very biased according to where he's getting his information, some people when he receives information from them he is skeptical and always skeptical when it comes from that person. Other people he believes straight out.

20180619

Ford f100 Rear end width 61.25 Wheelbase 128

20180610

The revised Pirates of the Caribbean ride has gotten rid of gender stereotypes and replaced them with stereotypes of alcohol addiction.

20180607 0419

20180607 0419 Pack up hike on drop off Pack up hike on drop out

20180530

That's about where I sit. If we are literally just organisms with no eternal souls (which to me is bleak indeed) I still want to make the most of this life and live as if there is something more, it makes for a better life for me and society as a whole. Whether we are reincarnated, or came here as a 'one and only' shot at life, we all wanted to be here. If it's reincarnation then we not only wanted to come here, but we keep wanting to come back. I enjoy life, I don't want it to end. I also don't see myself growing all that I need to in one single life. Whether it's reincarnation or a single life to live, we know nothing of existence outside of this realm. I think even we would have wanted it this way, it would spoil it to know all of the answers while we're going through it. Like a dream that you know is a dream and then can have complete control of, where is the unknown and the spontaneity?

20180527

Scripture of the year 4 Nephi 1 15 And it came to pass that there was no contention in the land, because of the love of God which did dwell in the hearts of the people. 16 And there were no envyings, nor strifes, nor tumults, nor whoredoms, nor lyings, nor murders, nor any manner of lasciviousness; and surely there could not be a happier people among all the people who had been created by the hand of God.

20130912

20130912. Listening to the sounds in the canyon, swinging in the hammock, above my head a swaying pulsing symphony, the wooded tree brushes the canyon walls, the voices whisper, and moan, the breath of the wind turns to the rushing of waters... #robherr #tree #sierranevadamountains

20180522

Sweet Amber Mama they tried to break me So here I am savor every minute of it LYRICS Is it worth the can you even hear me Standing with your spotlight on me Not enough to feed the hungry I'm tired and I felt it for awhile now In this sea of lonely The taste of ink is getting old It's four o' clock in the fucking morning Each day gets more and more like the last day Still I can see it coming While I'm standing in the river drowning This could be my chance to break out This could be my chance to say goodbye At last it's finally over Couldn't take this town much longer Being half dead wasn't what I planned to be Now I'm ready to be free So here I am it's in my hands And I'll savor every moment of this So here I am alive at last And I'll savor every moment of this Won't you think I'm pretty When I'm standing top the bright lit city And I'll take your hand and pick you up And keep you there so you can see it As long as you're alive and care I promise I will take you there We'll drink and dance the night away We'll drink and dance the night away So here I am it's in my hands And I'll savor every moment of this So here I am alive at last And I'll savor every moment of this Savor every moment of this As long as you're alive Here I am I promise I will take you there As long as you're alive Here I am I promise I will take you there Won't you think I'm pretty When I'm standing top the bright lit city And I'll take your hand and pick you up And keep you there so you can see it So long as you're alive and care I promise I will take you there So long as you're alive and care I promise I will take you there So here I am it's in my hands And I'll savor every moment of this So here I am alive at last And I'll savor every moment of this Savor every moment of this Savor every moment of this Songwriters: Branden Steineckert / Jeph Howard / Quinn Allman / Robert Mccracken The Taste of Ink lyrics © Spirit Music Group LOW MAN'S LYRIC  Written by Hetfield/Ulrich My eyes seek reality My fingers seek my veins There's a dog at your back step He must come in from the rain I fall 'cause I've let go The net below has rot away So my eyes seek reality And my fingers seek my veins The trash fire is warm But nowhere safe from the storm And I can't bear to see What I've let me be So wicked and worn So as I write to you Of what is done and to do Maybe you'll understand And you won't cry for this man 'Cause low man is due         Please forgive me My eyes seek reality My fingers feel for faith Touch clean with a dirty hand I touch the clean to the waste The trash fire is warm But nowhere safe from the storm And I can't bear to see What I've let me be So wicked and worn So as I write to you Of what is done and to do Maybe you'll understand And won't cry for this man 'Cause low man is due         Please forgive me So low, the sky is all I see All I want from you is forgive me So you bring this poor dog in from the rain Though he just wants right back out again And I cry to the alleyway Confess all to the rain But I lie, lie straight to the mirror The one I've broken to match my face The trash fire is warm But nowhere safe from the storm And I can't bear to see What I've let me be So wicked and worn So as I write to you Of what is done and to do Maybe you'll understand And won't cry for this man 'Cause low man is due         Please forgive me So low, the sky is all I see All I want from you is forgive me So you bring this poor dog in from the rain Though he just wants right back out again My eyes seek reality My fingers seek my veins

20180519

2016 Honda Fit AAA 42342 20180518 Aaa 16892 20170521 Bought on 2016 2005 honda pilot 256825 20180518 aaa 253400 20180126 oil 245564 20170521 aaa 244300 20170307 New coil on cyl#5 244200 20170225 New spark plugs 243650 20170107 Replaced 4 quarts of the transmission fluid, changed upper transmission filter 20161125 242150 Replaced 4 quarts of the transmission fluid, changed oil and filter, replaced air filter. 20160703 236363 aaa 20160613 235420 Oil and filter, used synthetic, change after 7000 miles 20160426 232831 Starter from orielly lifetime warranty 20160315 229779 Steering pump and return hose at dealer, oil and filter change at dealer 20150922 217650 Tires at Costco 5yr/70000 warranty 201507 oil change and tire rotation at dealership 209630 may 2015 aaa 206560 20150313 oil & filter, complete Trans fluid. 20 timing belt 20 oil and filter 20 replaced drivers airbag and seat belt at honda dealer Honda dealer at some point 192582 20140715 oil and tire rotation at Honda dealership 192000 new rear rotors and brakes pryce 189300 may 2014 aaa 20140328 185600 oil and air 175000 20130914 front brakes 171000est 201307 new tires oil chg 168680 may 2013 aaa 165300 20130405 oil chg filter air filter and tire rotation pryce 157700 20130104 oil chg and oil filter and tire rotation replaced right headlight 151100 oil and filter 2006 buell xb12scg 20180518 40469 aaa 20171020 39121 new rear tire contiattack2 added 3oz Dyna beads and painted rim black as I had ding it up changing it with the tire irons and I was tired of always trying to clean it. Aaa 38002 2010521 20170421 37872 new front tire (added 2 Oz dyna beads), got 15,597 on last conti2 front 20160703 36130 aaa 20150922 32770 rewelded kickstand 201508 new back tire in Visalia battlax Got 10000 miles on last conti roadattack2? 20150627 added mister system to oil cooler 27572 may 2015 aaa 27572 20150525 new spark plugs ngk 6546 gapped at 35 26725 26 Mar 2015 brakes 26600 added charging ports under seat 26543 13 Mar 2015 oil & filter, and primary oil (primary was still purple and clear moderate shavings on magnet , engine oil was black light shavings on the magnet ) 26200 added extra battery in saddlebag 26000 13 Feb 2015 added saddlebags 23100 6 jun 2014 new air filter 22824 may 2014 aaa 22275 20140329 tires continental road attack 2 19247 may 2013 aaa 1995 chevy astro AAA 236529 20180518 Aaa 236484 2010521 20160700 2310830 two new front tires 20160703 231012 aaa 20150 new waterpump, plugs, wires, cap, rotor, brakes, rear wheel cylinders, coolant flush, oil change at cjs 221630 may 2015 aaa 20141120 219935 front brake pads last ones were pro stop these are break best select from oriley's 216136 jul 2014 2 new rear tires and tire rotation 215800 may 2014 aaa 211313 may 2013 aaa 211313 15 may 2013 Flex pipe on exhaust remd catalyctic 20130914 212800 oil chg and smog PT cruiser AAA 181927 20180518 1997 Honda Passport Aaa 186470 2010521 20160708 173700 new front tires 20160703 173072 aaa 20160430 168000 new front drivers rotor new pads on front brakes 201601 new battery Oil change 20150813 new clutch new engine rear seal gasket 20150705 new serpentine belt (alternator) 20150 replaced alternator 1552 28 20150627 new crank pulley and serpentine belts 154361 may 2015 aaa 146900 sep 2014 front fenders and bumper, headlights 146900 Oct 2014 two front tires, upper a arm passenger side. 200 200 17th of November 2014 oil change and tire rotation at the dealership 2001 Crown Vic 20180515 227750 AAA (Actual 206,393) 20180514 purchased 1993 Infiniti g20 281181 may 2013 aaa 20121222 278000 fuel pump Feb 2013 fnt brakes 1988 Honda accord 201602 Sold 326280 may 2015 aaa 325980 may 2014 aaa 324600 may 2013 aaa Jun 2012 322550 aaa 29dec2012 rr brakes 23feb2013 fnt brakes 1984 ford 71812 may 2013 aaa 1964 ford f150 Pryce bike 83 honda sabre 47700 may 2013 aaa Pryce scoot meuduo 945 may 2013 aaa

20180518

Gate code for Angela # 2598

20180504

Scouting: BSA What does the 'B' stand for again? It used to be for 'Boy'. The Boy Scouts of America has had a long tradition in the United States and in the church that I am a member of. It has also gone through many changes over the years. Women have been a part of the Boy Scouts of America since the 1970's, in response to declining male leadership.

20180422

Mormon night at dodgers stadium is the largest group event the ballpark gets, and probably the least profitable night as there's less beer sales

20180414 0632

20180414 0632 Somehow I told myself after someone died that I would still be able to feel them even though they are gone. Afterwards I felt nothing and told myself that they must then no longer exist.

20180406 1421

20180406 1421 Hiking along the rain Miller trail with Jaden and Sharlean the La Jolla leg of the trail was closed for maintenance so we went up ray Miller witches people with switch back cover and a lot of elevation shower and Jaden were tuckered out by the time we hit the last switch back and was thinking about quitting and going back home. Well Jaden at least.

20180414 0500

20180414 0500 Did I live again or will I exist before?

20180409

490k 2205
563k 848
172 down
395 loa
2045mo
2300
650 mo
tax if no rollover

20180310

Walmart ammo 20170214 223fmj 100 37.44 223psp 100 18.67 Win9mm 100 25 Win9mm 150 29 22 555 27.88 22 333 17.37 20180310 Win9mm 50 8.24 100 18.97 150 22.97 200 65 Gunshow ammo 9mm 500 rel 89 9mm 500 115 223fmj 500 174

20180309

20180309 There is no recovery there is only change. You cannot go back to the way you were before because things are different now. Trying to go back to the way you were before would be like trying to hold back the tide.

20180221

20180221 I always feel like I am barely holding it together. Like just another push and I'll be over the cliff. But I soldier on in the face of false accusations, slander, and hate. I soldier on when I want more than the abundance I currently have. I soldier on though my life is passing me by, and my youth is stolen.

20180213

1.  When I am with you, I can be myself. 2. I love it when you are happy and content. 3.  I love the way you look at me when I wear jeans. 4.  You think I'm handsome although I'm a goblin. 5.  I love that you love to camp.  6.  I love that you like to hike.  7.  You make me feel loved.  8.  You put up with my moods and all other imperfections. 9.  I love you because . 10.  I love holding your hand while we walk.  11. I love how it feels to have you run your fingers along my chest. 12.  I love love love the feel of your hands on my back. 13. I love our life together. 14. I love how you make me laugh. 15. I love your thoughtfulness. 16. I love your eyes. 17. I love the way we finish each other’s sandwiches. 18. I love the way you take the time to thank me for doing everyday things. 19. I love your strength of character. 20. I love your openness to try new things. 21. I love the fact that you want to be with me. 22. I love you for you. 23. I love the way you take the time to show me how much you love me. 24. I love how I would do anything for you to make you happy. 25. I love how you would do anything to make me happy. 26. I love how even when you're not with me I still feel like you're right here with me. 27.  I love to show you beauty in things and try to appreciate them.  28.  I love it when you lie on me. The feel of your warm body on mine. 29.  I love that past memories brighten my day. 30.  I love you not only because who you are but also because who I am when I am with you.  31.  I love how we always say I love you. 35.  I love your patience. 36.  I love how it feels when I wrap my arms around your waist.  37.  I love being naked in the outdoors with you. 38.  I love when you grab my butt. 39. I love that we get to talk throughout each day. 40.  I love that you like keeping active and working. 41. I love that you care for our children. 42.  I love that you find joy in family history. 43.  I love thank you know all of my flaws and still love me. 44.   I love that you don't try to change me but encourage me to be better. 45.  I love your hair. 46.  I love that you still know how to rock. 47.  I love your ability to make me feel better and see the light at the end of the tunnel. 48.  I love the way you look in a t-shirt. 49.  I love showering with you. 50.  I love being naked indoors with you. 51.  I love seeing you. 52.  I love how you interact with the grandkids. 53.  I love sitting next to you and putting my arm around you. 54.  I love going on vacation with you. 55.  I love finding new places with you. 56.  I love when you think of new things to do. 57.  I love it when you want me. 58.  I love wanting you. 59.  I love hearing you... 60. I love the way you love me. 61. I love the way I love you. 62. I love your touch. 63. I love the sparkle in your eyes. 64. I love the way you inspire me to be more than I am. 65. I love you just the way you are. 66. I love the way you look when you're sleeping. 67. I love that I need you because I love you. 68. I love thinking about you when we're apart. 69. I love that you are the yin to my yang, and my opposite that compliments me. 70. I love licking you. 71. I love feeling your heart beat. 72. I love watching you. 73. I love that you understand me. 74. I love that you are an incredible mother to our children. 75. I love that you're by best friend. 76. I love that you think of others and are conscientious. 77. I love that you can let things go. 78. I love making you feel good. 79. I love it when you do something you don't care for but you do it for me. 80. I love that your hand fits perfectly into mine. 81. I love that you love the sunrise. 82. I love you. 83. I love that you are forgiving. 84. I love your sense of duty. 85. I love to cheer you up when you're sad. 86. I love to hear you laugh. 87. I love that you can and do pull more than your fair share. 88. I love that I am comfortable around you. 89. I love that you love the grandkids. 90. I love that we are a family. 91. I love when you are close to me. 92. I love that you agreed to go backpacking with me! 93. I love that you married me. 94. I love that we've made it through good and hard times together. 95. I love that you think of your spirituality. 96. I love that you do not shrink from challenges. 97. I love to picnic with you while we're on a hike! 98. I love this journey with you. 99. I love your button nose. 100. I love that we will be together forever.

20170210

Three Sisters Rival groups also refer to is as individuals when we have a conflict with another person. We will usually vilify their actions and motivations to them justify our bias towards them. Then in turn their other actions will seem suspect. This happens a lot when people either come across challenges or conflict within the church. Not remembering spiritual promptings and answers to prayer or feeling that those answers were only feelings from within us rather than from God I told Jaden that someone's we should not strive to be happy. Sometimes the goal in out head of 'happiness' can be harmful. Especially if there is depression involved, the model of happiness will always make us feel like we are missing something in life because we are not always on that high of happiness. To me it is better to strive for contentment and peace. The way to inner peace is the journey. The destination is never reached and you realize that not only will it never be reached but it doesn't matter that it will never be reached because the journey with all of its ups and down challenges and disappointments that you are already there.

20180130

20180130 But now she's gone I miss her with regret

20180122

Shenandoah Trio The Shenandoah Trio formed in 1959, and originally consisted of Richard 'Dick' Torst, Earl Dummer, and Dennis 'Bunky' Arnold. They all went to school and church together, playing various small gigs. Their first break came when Dick was booked on a Search for a song TV show, one of the producers wanted the song he was submitting before the audition, which Dick didn't want to give up the rights to. He needed Dock wrote their first single surfing man while on his brakes working at the telephone company. Earl and dick practiced the song and when Dick saw and advertisement for a search for a song TV show he auditioned. Girl wasn't available so dick ask a friend Craig he's to accompany him the song was picked up during the addition rather than on the show itself dick knew that the producer wanted the song for himself. So he held out 4 They cut a single for 'Surfing Man' with 'The River and I' on the b-side on the Nefi record label. Billy Vaughn cut their first full album on the dot record label. In the interim, Craig Heesch and later Joe from the Journeymen played with the group when Dennis Arnold could no longer keep with the touring schedule. Ultimately Dick Parker joined and then toured (?) Touring with Jimmy Rogers, tv show and opening act. Ended in 1970? So they would give you a recording in return for you submitting your your song for for them to perform on the show So they wanted you to come audition for the show because they wanted to get the rights to the song Who is that friend Craig he's he's heesh from Matt Vista Earl couldn't make it. When we going to do the show the professionals the head of the show said to the professionals let the guys doing let the guy sing because of the a and then the head of the show took the record around town to see if you could get a record deal with the record company I called in sick and I don't want to be with him I want to see what's going on so we went what I've got time selling a lot of I just didn't like the way they were doing business he had me on camera asking me have you ever met a nice is no he's going to do your song and this and that and which Billy going did do the record the surfing there and then later we went back to Billy Warhol on when we when we were dropped by the people at the television channel since you won't sign the contract Billy Vaughn cut their record Nefi surfing man and the river and I was first. And they're on. Record So in the beginning though it was you and Earl as just just playing and then when you went to the record thingamajig e oral couldn't go how did you guys become a trio and I had to cut him out because it was early this posed to be there and we're going to be at the trill using Dennis our old friend who knew how to play guitar on bass 2 years with Jimmy Rogers Touring and TV show Dennis what was Dennis is last name Arnold but the three of you guys did you play together the three of you before that very first TV audition thingamajig e High schools and church before the trio Creag heesh went on to invent new gyro, golf and TV shows Dock parker took over for bunky Joe from the Journeymen played with them in between monkey and Dick Parker. The band ended in 1970 when Rich had to switch jobs and could no longer play during the day.

20180122

ANGELES FOREST Coldbrook campground 34.291654 -117.840324 Buckhorn camp 34.346342 -117.912501 Bear camp Cottonwood 34.639756 -118.502127 LOS PADRES KERN Hobo camp off of kern canyon road 35.574466 -118.530100

20180106

20180106 I never looked at my dad as a cool guy. Although he was. He would soup up his old cars and race them around town get the cops to chase him. Going around corners going up on two wheels. He was I look at them now as more of them normal guy rather than the epitome of constraint that he is now in every aspect of his life except for alcohol.

20171231

Web dragon little gray sports car Toyota looking pliny's brother Open the Bifrost alan late forties 6 foot nicely dressed light brown hair balding in the middle drive silver Honda Accord connect company Edna mode Bronze vw bring the plenty kenyen Late forties heavyset brown hair baseball cap blue pickup truck Grandpa hack. Short white hair round face. Late 50's early 60's Sv portal silver Toyota Tacoma pickup truck 4 door Heavyset salt pepper hair mustach BritMI6 Spanish lady mid forties 5 foot 2 drives black crossover type Clakerd and skywarp Clak dark black short hair business like Skywarp thin shaved bald Geogreg older heavy set 200 lbs 5'8" balding s&p sides moust/goatee Possibly retrosplurge as well Keltic 6' 20s black short hair tat rt forearm black shorts black shirt Syssymp grey dodge caravan 45-50 business Checkmate4 White Jeep Grand Cherokee 4 by 4 hispanic mid-twenties maybe Hawaiian Gem805 and wej805 boyfriend and girlfriend work at strathern Shehulk805 is wej805 home portal is Madera and strathern Spline9 lives in hidden ranch Apts, home portal is rsrpd and trailer park scurve Same with zerotalent Saxon cross - 6 foot 300 pounds dark grey mustache goatee ball cap Thatchik1000 late thirties early forties look like milena crane Kamra Late twenties have a set female blondish brown ponytail walks to dogs Brown shirt curly hair dogs Attackers at regal Gem805 Wej805 Spline9 BritMI6 Haxx0r70 KageCM BringThePliny OpenTheBifrost Shehulk805 Zerotalent Kayamat h3 . Heavyset late twenties five and a half foot Hispanic or dark, and bearded Girlfriend is busybee short lt brn hair, heavy set cauc Angaboda Mid twenties mid length poofy black hair female Comphakr newer black zx type pickup, looked like older guy Redikahn Late 40s hisp clean cut Kaya Nitejax dark grey Honda or Toyota 4 door coupe newer

20171217

Ip addresses Mobile 2607:fb90:4b67:adf0:9cd0:ac06:970b:6321 Home 172.112.6.27 Ra 2602:306:8bb0:1c0:25d1:149a:6984:eeab

20171215

Wish list Christmas cache ideasq 774 8 Jens photos X Family photos print at Costco X 4 pix scp, sky, karly, bam X City photo X Anniversary - dland Clone Pins Jcards Tea tree oil Amazon Harbor freight Crowbar Costco Walmart Stocking stuffer for Jen Albertsons Sugar cookie stuff Bakery frosting is it in that camera to where they can squeeze it Home depot Diy electrolysis Flow in the dark paint pencils Bismuth crystals Jen Bluetooth headphones X Good cheese slicer Monin chocolate X mug X wheel covers Wind chime? X muffins X Metallica case X wall sticker X Strivectini X m black pullover X egg timer X Dashcam Shar X DD wrist X DD pillow X camp stove X sleeping bag X inflatable mattress X mm Shy. X Watch. X 23 & me X mm Kev X 23 & me Karly. X Itouch X mm Bam X Squirtle shirt X Ninjago PS4 game X popper gun X Itouch X mm Sky X mm Pry. X Ar-15 sticker X Cat spoon X drill X mm Vanessa X cat spoon X cat towels X mm Treb X Enc mormonism X L green pullover X L black pullover X guitar tuner X mm X Primus El. X Rm stickers. X survival backpack X mm X Primus Daisy X cat spoon X cat hair clip X cat towels X mm X Primus J X memory Cards X $20 gc steam X Can crusher X Tweezers X magnifying glasses X Dart board X headphone cord X mm Scp cards Dad X Key knife Mom X Butterflys 7 level mountain https://m.ebay.com/itm/15A-High-Power-230W-TEC1-12715-Peltier-thermoelectric-cooler-module/262881348597?_trkparms=aid%3D222007%26algo%3DSIM.MBE%26ao%3D1%26asc%3D20161006002618%26meid%3D24956a23b0d94ff385b0c7014ecd937c%26pid%3D100694%26rk%3D7%26rkt%3D30%26mehot%3Dpp%26sd%3D251968317325&_trksid=p2385738.c100694.m4598 I like bolo ties, but not particularly the 'Western' style X DVR X tailgators X S Green s brown me Bugeyes Anniversary - dland

20171214

Christmas cache ideas Topics to Write About in your own “Message to the Future” Letter 1. Favorite recipe and how you created it or who it has been passed down from. 2. Teach a skill, like fishing, fixing something on your house, or how to advance yourself at your job. The ideas are limitless. Share your gifts and talents with your children and grandchildren. 3. Talk about your family tree and use one or two words to describe the personalities of each person. 4. Pretend like you are going through family interview questions, and talk about your own biography. Many people’s lives are so fascinating, but you will never know about them if these stories are not written out. Talk about what life was like when you were young. 5. Talk about what clothes you wore as a kid, or what you did for fun when you were bored. Make a Bigger Connection and Add Personal Mementos and Memorabilia to Your Time Capsule Finally, add more tangible items to your time capsule, along with these sentimental letters. I am sure you have a box somewhere or a storage container in your attic with items that can help tell your life story. What do you want to pass on to your children or grandchildren that you want preserved forever? By passing on your memories, you are making sure you will never be forgotten about. Do not wait until it is too late to pass on your life story. It will be the most memorable and lasting gift you can give to your children or grandchildren. Check out this other helpful article about Five Ways to Pass on Wisdom to Younger Generations. Get your own time capsule here today and get started on your “Message to the Future” letter to your children or grandchildren.

20171211

20171211 I work in an office surrounded by files, plans, books on standards and procedures. Yet my desk is cluttered with pine cones, rocks, and plants.

20171210

20171210 As I read this in hb2; "The purpose of God’s plan is to lead us to eternal life. " I thought to myself 'Am I ready for that?' I feel like I need to learn so much more to get there. I have wondered if a single life is enough to learn the myriad of things and experiences to enable me with the tools and knowledge to qualify for that. Have I lived before? Not just as in pre Earth life but in previous lives? I wouldn't know any of those previous lives any more than I would know any pre Earth life. Anyway I hope that there is something after this life, regardless I am living my life to the best for both here and now, and an eternal view. Sometimes I think that if there was nothing after this life that I have been too permissive of injustices against me and others, that 'this will be righted after this life' when if there is nothing after this life that these injustices should be corrected now and those that perpetuate them should be held accountable. I hope that there is something after this life and I believe that there is, but also believe that God wants life to be balanced between all things point to the existence of a Creator and all things point to that we are no more sentient than creatures of flesh who like cattle, live their lives and are no more.

20171210

Probably from 2013 20171210 We were meeting with the missionaries of our Ward and they had a lesson activity for our family. It was a game where we chose the most important of two things, and narrowed down ultimately what was most important. We started off with things like TV and pizza, and end ended up with more serious and meaningful topics like income and health. We ended up with the last two being family and church, I think this was the point. As we went around and we all spoke what we thought was most important, we all chose family. The missionaries kept trying to correct our error saying that if we didn't choose the church first, ultimately we wouldn't have our family, but we all persisted. I was glad that we were all of one mind on this, we all may have had slightly different reasons for choosing family first, but I was glad my children and we made that statement. The missionaries couldn't get us to budge off of our stance, and I understood where they were coming from as I had been there as well on my mission. The mindset of 'all or nothing' as I used to apply it to so many areas of my life. I'm glad my children weren't making the same mistake that I had. Ultimately to me family is most important, and as yet we go through our lives as individuals, close family is like friends that we can trust and confidence in while we are 'working out our salvation'. We learn and grow from our children and parents alike, and as we become 'adults' I realize how much I still need to learn. If you had to choose in the same situation, what would you choose and why? Would your family (extended or immediate) be on board? I know some people may have different family situations, be estranged, grew up in abusive situations, or the many other things that a 'family' can represent, so I know I'm only looking at this from my own situation.

20171205

20171205 John 10:9 I am the door: by me if any man enter in, he shall be saved, and shall go in and out, and find pasture.

20171127

When i think.of all of the tine that ive spent wasted over the years. Could have advanced my career learned a language gotten my professional certifications... ive spent my time.doing art projects, reading, watching movies, drawing drawkngs that.no one will ever see. I did what made me happy. short term probably more than long bit actually in the long run i hope i was happier. 20170322 Memories trickle through like a sweet stream Of days of sun and nights of love Back in my mind I keep pushing it That one day this will all end And memories will cease to exist 20160623 Life is like suddenly realizing you are running in a crowd, off in the distance you can see the cliff everyone is hurling towards. The fallacy of a happy marriage What makes a happy marriage Why it doesn't work Overall vs totality Overall, thought the ups and downs, I could say that I have had a happy marriage. Take into account all of the pain and suffering I have put my wife through over the years and she may not say the same, nor I if I look at those horrible lows. We live life looking through rose colored glasses, saying that all of the good outweighs te bad, silver linings on the Grey clouds, etc. We are ever optompistisc in the face of irridity. Are there certain things that we not only dislike, but hate? There are things I am sure that my spouse would not put up with nor condone if it were another person. There are things that my wife does, not often thank God, that would make a instant enemy coming from anyone else. But even a marriage founded on priciples of gospel? Foundations and communi ation mean nothing in the end for a marriage that has ended.

20171117

Major safe R 4 p4x2 L 75 p75x1 R 49 L 7

20171116

20171116 I was being facetious, look that up in the dictionary. I am also being condescending, that means I am talking down to you. Lol

20171110

2711 110 Sometimes I think the main point of the Gospel is to be thinking about things other than this life, that it makes you aware that there is more than just this day today of life. It makes you think of Eternity and both brings you outside of yourself and grounded within yourself. Was thinking recently about baptisms in the temple with the youth. A few years ago I was the baptizer and the witnesses and temple worker seemed to be wanting me to hurry it along and baptize faster. I was of the quality over quantity mindset and still am. Is it more important to say that we baptized 120 people or that the youth had a good experience.

20171108

first fist Stunned Fortunately training ignorant Good fighters dodge playful shadow boxing kid glove brass knuckles transitions unprepared underdog. purpose in communicating understood agree to disagree written word. communication connection Exchanges where I didn’t connect well are all too frequent. To highlight these exchanges, this story illustrates it best: My wife and I are talking about an issue that has been a raw spot between us. We both want to be understood and heard, and there are usually issues that we want the other to agree with us on. As the conversation goes, those issues that we don’t agree on start to flow to the top. “We’ve talked about this before. Remember…” or “What I’m trying to tell you is…” are usually indications that she feels like she has not been heard. The next step is the ‘find a larger rock to get it through his thick skull’ phase. Eventually as emotions rise, something from the past is brought up and mixed in with five questions in succession. Like a one two punch, or actually five rapid shots. It becomes overwhelming and I tune out, like a fighter that’s gotten his bell rung. In another example, I am speaking with a scouting colleague as we are setting the boys up with a painting activity. He mentions that the paints might stain the Formica table. I say that the paints are acrylic and I have already cleaned up dried paint off of them so it shouldn’t be a problem. We go back and forth for a bit and when neither one of us budges from our stance, he says as he is leaving “It will stain it.” A parting shot with no chance of a rebuttal. I’ve learned to communicate better through these trials but it hasn’t been easy. I’ve learned to slow down, dissect questions and jabs, answer them in order, and communicate more in general. If I were to conclude there is little point in trying to connect, I may turn away from communicating all together, which is not helpful. In other relationships, coworkers go to their separate corners and family members keep their emotional distance from each other. Depending on the kind of dialog you are having, your interaction will need to be tailored. Just as you don’t want to enter the ring thinking you’re there as a spectator, you don’t want to enter a conversation with fighting words, and you don’t want to show up to an argument with conversational words. My greatest communicative partner is my wife, Jennifer. She doesn’t realize it because I don’t communicate well, but she knows more of my heart than anyone. When we were first dating and later married, we communicated on hyper drive. The simple fact that everything was new exuded confidence, and was above it, for emotion was raw and unguarded, and nothing else mattered. We were open to ourselves and each other with each new step, not caring about the costs that were being spent. We didn’t need confidence then. My wife and I do not argue much, but when we do it destroys the confidence within us and simultaneously the confidence within the other. Afterwards each step is hesitant and unsure. The fear that even the very effort of reaching out might be flung and fall upon the ground at the feet of one who is no longer paying attention. Sometimes we don’t confront these difficult issues because if we do we have to fully experience and understand them, which is arduous. It is easier to live in a bit of ignorance. I fall into the pattern of running around not really engaging anyone else around me. It creates enemies simply by the perception of indifference. There is the problem. Is there an answer? Of course, as there is always a solution.  More correct communication. Connections Posted on July 18, 2016 by robherr I never see that first fist coming at me until long after it lands and I find myself wondering what just happened. Stunned, dazed, and confused I stammer back in defense, but don’t realize that I am already in round three of the fight. Fortunately I do not enter this ring very often, or unfortunately perhaps, as I would be better prepared. A little training and sparring would help, but I’ve always been a slow learner. I’ve stepped into this ring all too ignorant of my opponent and also of my own abilities. Good fighters can think on their feet, they are sharp and quick; they dodge and weave through their counterparts jabs. It usually starts playful enough, shadow boxing and joking around, a playful match of taps on the shoulder and bumps. Somewhere it changes from kid gloves in a regulated match, to brass knuckles in a dark alley. I never see these transitions coming, until it is too late. This sparring match has been a contest of words, and I the unprepared underdog. I don’t respond quickly and I am not witty. I would make a horrible addition to a debate team. Our purpose in communicating largely determines the outcome of the conversation, so it is important to understand our position. I value being understood more highly than being agreed with. I can wholeheartedly agree to disagree, and not be offended. I can typically tolerate people not agreeing with me, but if I feel misunderstood I will likely continue the conversation in an attempt to clarify my point. And yet I have realized over the years that the way I communicate best is through written word. If I want to let someone know how I’m feeling I write a letter or a note. I can formulate thought, revise and edit my point and make it more clear and understandable. Overall, I’ve learned that communication is a connection, and we each need to find out how we interact in the best way and use that form. Exchanges where I didn’t connect well are all too frequent. To highlight these exchanges, this story illustrates it best: My wife and I are talking about an issue that has been a raw spot between us. We both want to be understood and heard, and there are usually issues that we want the other to agree with us on. As the conversation goes, those issues that we don’t agree on start to flow to the top. “We’ve talked about this before. Remember…” or “What I’m trying to tell you is…” are usually indications that she feels like she has not been heard. The next step is the ‘find a larger rock to get it through his thick skull’ phase. Eventually as emotions rise, something from the past is brought up and mixed in with five questions in succession. Like a one two punch, or actually five rapid shots. It becomes overwhelming and I tune out, like a fighter that’s gotten his bell rung. In another example, I am speaking with a scouting colleague as we are setting the boys up with a painting activity. He mentions that the paints might stain the Formica table. I say that the paints are acrylic and I have already cleaned up dried paint off of them so it shouldn’t be a problem. We go back and forth for a bit and when neither one of us budges from our stance, he says as he is leaving “It will stain it.” A parting shot with no chance of a rebuttal. I’ve learned to communicate better through these trials but it hasn’t been easy. I’ve learned to slow down, dissect questions and jabs, answer them in order, and communicate more in general. If I were to conclude there is little point in trying to connect, I may turn away from communicating all together, which is not helpful. In other relationships, coworkers go to their separate corners and family members keep their emotional distance from each other. Depending on the kind of dialog you are having, your interaction will need to be tailored. Just as you don’t want to enter the ring thinking you’re there as a spectator, you don’t want to enter a conversation with fighting words, and you don’t want to show up to an argument with conversational words. My greatest communicative partner is my wife, Jennifer. She doesn’t realize it because I don’t communicate well, but she knows more of my heart than anyone. When we were first dating and later married, we communicated on hyper drive. The simple fact that everything was new exuded confidence, and was above it, for emotion was raw and unguarded, and nothing else mattered. We were open to ourselves and each other with each new step, not caring about the costs that were being spent. We didn’t need confidence then. My wife and I do not argue much, but when we do it destroys the confidence within us and simultaneously the confidence within the other. Afterwards each step is hesitant and unsure. The fear that even the very effort of reaching out might be flung and fall upon the ground at the feet of one who is no longer paying attention. Sometimes we don’t confront these difficult issues because if we do we have to fully experience and understand them, which is arduous. It is easier to live in a bit of ignorance. I fall into the pattern of running around not really engaging anyone else around me. It creates enemies simply by the perception of indifference. There is the problem. Is there an answer? Of course, as there is always a solution.  More correct communication.

20171026

Start of with story of Picture this Jaden's story Necessity of doubt Progression Christ and his accusers Searching Searching within Asking tough questions Being open and honest Clarity and purpose where It is what it is Let go live free Greater compassion Kindness, outward Guilty until proven innocent Joy in all things The Necessity of Doubt The title is a loaded statement. First, let me define the interplay between doubt and questioning. To “question” does not equate to “doubt”. Doubt is a litmus test; it either pushes us to sincere questions, or it forces us to choose an easier path of apathy. Essentially the question I am proposing is: "Is doubt necessary?" I propose that it is. Before I joined the church, I had much doubt.  I did a lot of research. I studied and checked out books at the library. I read books by those opposed to the church. I read the words of the prophets. I read those who obviously had an axe to grind. I sifted through the bias and sorted out the truth. Even while reading anti-Mormon literature, I joined the church. For a time after I joined the church, I did not question. I flowed along, blindly, if you will. I was content to float along. It was safe. The world became black and white; there was faith on one side and doubt on the other. There was no mingling of the two. When questions arose, I put them aside, or didn’t bother searching them. I became stagnant, and my faith felt empty. I have revisited many of those questions and found that even though answers may not be apparent, the questioning itself leads to inspiration and greater faith. Do I question at times whether God is there? Unequivocally yes - I would be lying if I said otherwise. Does this mean that I have no faith? Absolutely not - faith is hope in things we cannot see. I rely on my spiritual feelings to tell me what lies just beyond my eyes. I continue to get answers in many different ways: the spirit testifies, the fruits of good choices and right living, the knowledge in my heart and mind. I continue to search out my questions with a desire to understand, knowing that I may not always get answers right away, or at all. I rely on the many wonderful spiritual promptings from the Holy Ghost; confirmations of truth which I have had and continue to have. I may be tempted to generalize those who question as just not having enough faith. However, faith grows and is garnered by the very questions that hope to define and explain. Questioning with a sincere desire, as Moroni entreats in Moroni Chapter 10, bolsters certainty in a world of uncertainty. Therein is the key. If we have sincere desire to find answers, doubt and questions will lead us to greater faith. Ultimately, faith and doubt work together. They are opposing forces that are a necessity of mortal probation. Faith and doubt are much like good and evil, polar opposites that we interplay between while traveling through this necessary condition of mortality. We need good and evil in this life to help us choose, as we need faith and doubt. Ultimately faith and doubt will no longer be needed when this mortal probation is over. In the meantime, I am as the father who said to Christ in Mark 9:24; “…Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.” Progression Christ and his accusers Searching Searching within Asking tough questions Being open and honest Clarity and purpose where It is Picture this Jaden's story Necessity of doubt Progression Christ and his accusers Searching Searching within Asking tough questions Being open and honest Clarity and purpose where It is what it is Let go live free Greater compassion Kindness, outward Guilty until proven innocent Joy in all things the Sea of doubt Once you step off the safety of the shore of blissful ignorance or are summarily shoved off, you are then neck deep in the sea of doubt being either thrashed by the waves against the rocks or treading water. and undoubtedly this is disconcerting. So how do you manage? Rash decisions usually are not the best idea, and how do you plan for something that you've never experienced? On how the Spirit works with us enter Showing different pictures on screen people situations old people child children crying helping praying etc Undoubtedly he helou felt many different emotions when looking at these photos aand may have brought you back to experiences in your own life. The emotions undoubtedly we each feel during looking at this phone photos R not all the same. In general the emotions may be the same hi looking at a child crying you may have compassion depending on the context of the photo when they feel some other emotions. The spirit of astronaut strike that undoubtedly also we feel when they have felt the spirit during looking at these photos. Undoubtedly the spirit touched each of us in different ways . We have also general ideas and how the Spirit works with us. Add scripture reference. These are guideposts along the way rather than specific not directions but what's the word? Indicators? Specifics? Definitions. No 1 can really tell you how you will feel this. There are many strike that because spirit is this so personal and it is spirituals only you really know when you feel it. But that doesn't mean that there aren't hunters with help exactly what you will feel, hand will be able to give you some indicators and 2 what you will feel may feel. Modern revelation, speaking of spiritual gifts, notes that while to some it is given to know the core truth of Christ and His mission, to others is given the means to persevere in the absence of certainty. The New Testament makes the point that those mortals who operate in the grey area between conviction and incredulity are in a position to choose most meaningfully, and with most meaningful consequences. Terryl L. Givens letter to a doubter Forgiveness comes easily thru the atonement of jesus christ. Ask and ye shall recieve seek and ye shall fi d knock and it shall be opened unto you. It takes a lifetime to work out who you are inside. Everyone has darkness and light within. The darkness grows the light chases out the darkness. Hopefully ove time the darlness is diminished and light shines forth. 201510 The first general attribute that I had chosen was "oneness", Jesus Christ was the ultimate example of oneness. In everything he did, he was following the spirit and doing the will of his father in heaven. There's been many times in my life that I have had an inkling of this one this semi colon giving blessings reading the scriptures, fasting and praying, sharing the gospel. On these occasions of feeling the spirit, and feeling the one that's with God, makes us as humans Sycamore spirituality in their lives, and crave to have that constant companionship. Striving to define the school and put it into workable smaller goals, has been difficult because the attribute is more of a feeling and closeness. the smaller attributes goals that I have chosen like spending more having more meaningful prayer and time in the thankfulness , are guideposts along the way to this ultimate goal of 1 this. Vienna number themselves will not attain the oneness butt will help to keep me on the right track toward that goal. it has been hard to describe and hard to put into words, a lot like then if you have ever studied Eastern philosophy. Zen is not a religion or philosophy but is what the taoist would call tao, a Buddhist would call and lightning meant, the Hindu Westwood call Dharma , and Nephi would describe as the spirit consuming his flesh.. It is important for me to continue to strive after seeking this, because it is one of the reasons that I joined the church in the first place. the first time I felt the spirit when the missionaries were talking with me was the most profound and powerful experiences of my life one of. I have worked at developing this connection in my life at some points more than others. There were and have been many times in my life of things are so busy and pressing needs of just surviving R overwhelming and crowd out these feelings. But ultimately that is what we are to gain in this life, a closeness with the spirit to have it as a constant companion. I have felt like something has been missing all morning like I forgot to do something or take one of my meds. Only taking one. I've been working on what it means to have a daily walk with God oneness etc I finally understand hat it meant that moonlit few drops are a wall before the truth. I was out playing ingress and only.hacking a few portals. I was walking in circles around a small building, The thought occurred to me that maybe this is my daily walk with God. Slowly at first then building like like an opening flower, the universe came alive. I try here to explain and define in words the spiritual enlightenment which is impossible. I realized some things mainly that ingress, and before that reading, although reading can help gain knowledge, and before that just daydreaming were distracting me from the feelings and experiences that were all around me in the present. That the people the trees nature the sound of mail trucks horn the clouds, all around to be experienced and I was disconnected from it all. Distracted from the truth of existence all around. It occurred to me the interaction between people. The church building that shuffles people out of the chapel, all the while people are there conversing. The conversing is the gospel. The interaction is not zen but don't know how to put it but that's the point of the building. The interaction of these individuals. Zen is personal An Honest Doubter Elizabeth Deutsch - Shaker Heights, Ohio As heard on The Bob Edwards Show, September 3, 2010  At 16, Elizabeth Deutsch was the youngest essayist to appear on Edward R. Murrow’s This I Believe. She discusses her search for philosophical and spiritual beliefs that can guide her as an adult. (Read a new essay Deutsch wrote in 2005.) Age Group: Under 18 Themes: faith & religion, purpose, question Audio Player 00:00 Use Left/Right Arrow keys to advance one second, Up/Down arrows to advance ten seconds. 00:00 Sponsor This Essay  At the age of sixteen, many of my friends have already chosen a religion to follow (usually that of their parents), and are bound to it by many ties. I am still “free-lancing” in religion, searching for beliefs to guide me when I am an adult. I fear I shall always be searching, never attaining ultimate satisfaction, for I possess that blessing and curse—a doubting, questioning mind. At present, my doubting spirit has found comfort in certain ideas, gleaned from books and experience, to form a personal philosophy. I find that this philosophy—a code consisting of a few phrases—supplements, but does not replace, religion. The one rule that could serve anyone in almost any situation is, “To see what must be done and not to do it, is a crime.” Urged on by this, I volunteer for distasteful tasks or pick up scrap paper from the floor. I am no longer able to ignore duty without feeling guilty. This is “the still, small voice,” to be sure, but sharpened by my own discernment of duty. “The difficult we do at once, the impossible takes a little longer.” This is the motto of a potential scientist, already struggling to unravel the mysteries of life. It rings with the optimism youth needs in order to stand up against trouble or failure. Jonathan Edwards, a Puritan minister, resolved never to do anything out of revenge. I am a modern, a member of a church far removed from Puritanism, yet I have accepted this resolution. Since revenge and retaliation seem to have been accepted by nations today, I sometimes have difficulty reconciling my moral convictions with the tangled world being handed down to us by the adults. Apparently what I must do to make life more endurable, is to follow my principles, with the hope that enough of this feeling will rub off on my associates to begin a chain reaction. To a thinking person, such resolutions are very valuable; nevertheless, they often leave a vacuum in the soul. Churches are trying to fill this vacuum, each by its own method. During this year, I have visited churches ranging from orthodoxy to extreme liberalism. In my search for a personal faith, I consider it my duty to expose myself to all forms of religion. Each church has left something within me – either a new concept of God and man, or an understanding and respect for those of other beliefs. I have found such experiences with other religions the best means for freeing myself from prejudices. Through my visits, the reasoning of fundamentalists has become clearer to me, but I am still unable to accept it. I have a simple faith in the Deity and a hope that my attempts to live a decent life are pleasing to Him. If I were to discover that there is no afterlife, my motive for moral living would not be destroyed. I have enough of the philosopher in me to love righteousness for its own sake. This is my youthful philosophy, a simple, liberal, and optimistic feeling, though I fear I shall lose some of it as I become more adult. Already, the thought that the traditional thinkers might be right, after all, and I wrong, has made me waver. Still, these are my beliefs at sixteen. If I am mistaken, I am too young to realize my error. Sometimes, in a moment of mental despair, I think of the words, “God loves an honest doubter,” and am comforted. When Elizabeth Deutsch was 16, she won a This I Believe essay contest in the Cleveland Pressnewspaper. Her prize was a trip to New York City to record her essay for broadcast on the original series. Deutsch went on to become a professor of plant breeding at Cornell University. Related Essays 20150107 I search for the words that enlightened me and I find that they were never written Pathway 2 week 8 Posted on March 13, 2016 thankful for the opportunity to talk. When I have been given assignments, I don’t recall ever having said no. There is a culture in the Church of accepting opportunities and challenges, because we have been taught that we should learn through our trials and that we can grow from tests. Along with the adage that “that which does not kill us makes us strong”. All trials help us to grow, even trials that we grumble with and trials that we curse our luck for having.  We may look at our lives and say, I have done everything that I should have, married in the Temple, gone on a mission, kept the commandments. Why am I not being blessed in the way that I think I should. We may wonder why God is punishing us, or not blessing us with our rights to the blessings we so fully think we deserve because of our stalwartness. When I was 14 I started taking the missionary lessons, I had friends who are members.   I was not particularly active in my own religion, nor particularly studying at the time, but my friends shared tidbits of the gospel with me. My friends and I were definitely not perfect, but they seemed to have a knowledge inherently that I did not have. Perhaps looking back, it was that they had a knowledge of their place with God, and at this time I was unsure of my own standing with God. So I started meeting with the missionaries was 14 at my friends house. About on the second or third lesson they showed the Joseph Smith’s first vision story. What a fantastic story I thought. I was skeptical to say the least. I had no way to tell whether or not the story was true. I couldn’t go back in time and see it for myself. Yet as the missionary explained his feelings on it and shared his testimony about the spirit, a feeling came over me so powerfully that I never felt at that magnitude before, the missionary recognized it in my eyes and told me “and you’re feeling it right now”.I knew that what I felt did not come solely from within myself. I was on splits with a member in Hamilton Ohio in 1991 we were visiting with a part member family named the Plowmans. Her sister had expressed an interest in learning about the church, and we had one or two discussions with her. We decided to kneel and pray about these things that she was learning. As she and prayed, she started to cry. She said that the feeling that she felt as she prayed, she had only felt one other time in her life, that was the time that she gave her life to Christ. There exists as much proof that God does not exist as there is that he does. When we look around this beautiful and sometimes tragic world that we live in we see both of these evidences. We see suffering and pain, and we cannot comprehend a god allowing all this injustice. And at the same time we see blessings and miracles that we cannot fathom how they came to pass in our lives. We are truly free to choose whether God is there or not. My younger sister was involved in an off-road accident that took her life. I could not understand why God would allow such a young spirit to have such a tragic end to a short life. I questioned whether he existed or not. Whether he was involved in our lives, and if so, whether he had any cause in the orchestration of these events. Many questions circled through my mind and troubled my spirit.What eventually came to mind was my experiences with feeling the spirit and knowing what was it I need to do in my life. I reflected back on my discussions with missionaries, the plan of salvation and the feelings that I knew were true. In this life you see what you want to see. There is just as much evidence that the Book of Mormon people were here on this continent as there is that they were not. We have the testimony of the witnesses who said they saw the plates, and yet the plates are not here. If they were here there would still be squabbles and debates on whether they were man made in the 600’s or in the 18 hundreds. Evidence does not foster true belief.Heavenly Father wants us to see the evidence and proof of a good life and choose THAT for ourselves. Those who believe solely on evidence and proof RATHER than spirit, will fall away at the first showing of so-called evidence or proof to the contrary. Our heavenly father wants to choose for ourselves and in this life and I believe that he does not want to influence our decisions but will rather bless us for doing good and what is right, hence allowing us to “see” that he exists. I am amazed as I grow older and as I look around me at all of the examples of people that continue to show up and continue to work at this imperfect system called the church. There have been many times that I have struggled with not wanting to come to church. When I finally did join the Church at 18 it was  only a little difficult to caome to church, a single new member in a predominantly family ward. I was able to internalize the lessons that were about how to be a good father, and rather than be upset that the lessons were not tailored for me, still learn and grow and allow myself to be teachable. There have been times though that people, disagreements, and even mean spirited unintentional or marginally intentional conflicts with others have made it difficult to want to continue to attend church.We are imperfect beings dealing with other imperfect beings and we are doing it in imperfect ways. But I believe that God is smart enough to use all of that imperfection and all of our mistakes and still accomplish his work. He has to. Otherwise there would be no way for him to get anything done. The work on the earth would cease completely. Because he relies on us to complete his work, imperfect beings. So then what? We all know or should know that we are imperfect. So I do look at others and be critical of their imperfections?.I Matthew 7, Christ gives the parable-And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye,but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?The meaning of this verse is fairly clear, it is an attack on the hypocrites who attack others for their small flaws, while ignoring their own massive ones. Those who judge others, but do not evaluate themselves. It has a dual meaning, first attacking the hypocrisy of those who criticize others while ignoring their own much larger flaws, and since the flaw is in the eye it is a metaphor for how such flaws can blind one.The metaphor is a rather extreme one. The word translated as mote or speck can refer to a tiny splinter or piece of sawdust, or colloquially to any minute object. The word translated as beam refers to a log or a rafter such as would hold up the roof of a house. A rafter is a difficult thing to get in one’s eye, but it functions as a humorous and hyperbolic metaphor for an extreme flaw. The metaphor comes from woodworking, and is often seen as rooted in Jesus’ traditional employment as a carpenter.Christ said in the parable of the mite in the eye that there was also a beam in the eye of the accuser. In other words to look around at each other and point out all of the flaws each other has, when we don’t see our own flaws, should not be. There is only one true judge of all of us and he was the only one perfect enough to do the judging. Consider when you’re frustrated with someone that they may have struggles greater than your own or that there is something to learn from the experience,  to look at it as a trial of your own. Will you grow from the experience or will you receed?I decided while ago not to let anything affect my church attendance. This is my church. This is your Church.My faith evolves as well. When I first joined the Church everything was very black and white, there was no grey area between right and wrong. As Ihave grownStand strong in holy places”TempleChurchHomeWith friendsIndividuallyFirst thought that comes to my mind can stand in holy places is the temple. the temple in and of itself is a holy place where essential ordinances and promises are made. To get to the temple we must have already been standing in holy places. We have been conducting our lives in a way that is pleasing to our Heavenly father. When the Nauvoo temple was destroyed after the Saints left it fell into ruin and eventually was demolished. It was no longer a temple in the spiritual sense that was destroyed, it was a building. It stopped being a temple when the saints stopped performing the ordinances within it.Regularly attending the temple helps us to keep standing in holy places by continually working and applying obedience and sacrifice in our daily lives. Your body is a temple the Spirit of God can dwell within you. Wherever you go, stand in Holy Places.It is not the physical manifestations of what is done inside the temple but is the covenants and promises and spiritual nature of what we promise. If we internalize the temple it helps by refining us and helps us to live a happier life. Forgiveness comes easily thru the atonement of jesus christ. Ask and ye shall receive seek and ye shall find knock and it shall be opened unto you. It takes a lifetime to work out who you are inside. Everyone has darkness and light within. The darkness grows the light chases out the darkness. Hopefully over time the darkness is diminished and light shines forth. Careful! Even moonlit dewdrops, if we are lured to watch, are a wall before the truth.This phrase is always intrigued me it’s from Lao TsuWhat are your moonlit dew drops? mine was music. As I listened I realized I didn’t think as much, and my thoughts were scored to the mood of the music.silence then became my teacher because it allowed me to think on my own and allowed my mind in my spirit to by open to inspiration. Silent waterEverything in life is perfect balanced, between good and evil, wrong and right, faith and nothingness

20161125 dream

Dream 20161125 Hal bush repressed memories hipnosy add c There was a barn on a hill not all by itself there were other buildings around and it was in a semi city area we were doing and making somethinv, there were kids around and there was a school nearby it was a training area for the resistance e I was Han zl loo n this dream there was a ship that a me up and circled and the girl that I was with lea?.started shooting at it as it fired upon us. It made. Second circle and I was shooting trying to get in between through the trees and playground equiptment. As it did it's last pass it shot out a miss, it came down in slow motjon and I 's aw it go into fthe gounxd in the grass area straight down and start to crumble and crush undr its own weight as I ran behind and away from the barn . It exploded and took the lower floor of the house and the 2seco d story was on the rubble. In the aftermath I was talking to the kids who were there and now the ones coming out from the nearby school. Down the road I saw two figures approaching which I recognized as from the ships group. I hid the gun with was like a halo pulse g Un n in the engine competent of and old truck. The two came up and started asking g about what had happened if we knew why we were attacked. There seemed or be so e history between us as I used to be a fighter but was out of the vame. We knew each other back then but I was no longer fighting. We went to a building g and we talking the other figure was the senior person but didn't talk much, and then at one point my friend stuck a needle I my arm and I knew I'd be telling the truth in a moment as my head started to real. The second figure started talking about it was like a movie, and I ended up 's telling him it was like floating down a stream watching myself float down a stream, focus in on my face and the stream was history and the story I was telling v about what really happened and my place in it. I woke up and realized I've had this dream before, and each time had the distinct impression that hal bush and I had been hypnotized at some point. I could almost remember er the words while. Being under

20171022

Back bathroom Concrete and plumbing $100.00 2014 Skylight $100.00 201611 Wood for framing roof and skylight $20.00 20161112 Lighting cans and bulbs $80.00 20161125 Drywall and shims $60.00 20161125

20170902

20170902 When Matthew Avery was in town for a visit with the family, Arlene had a bladder infection, so I took her to the doctor to get the meds she needed. They prescribed the meds, and did not need to do a physical examination. A nurse helped Arlene get a urine sample in the bathroom while I waited outside. A few weeks later, Arlene said she didn't understand why she had to disrobe in front of the doctor, myself, and Trebor (Trebor wasn't there obviously). First off, I have never done anything inappropriate to your parents, and have treated them as my own. I need to clear the confusion and misrepresentation that is swirling around right now. People with Alzheimer's will sometimes create memories that did not happen. They will take stories they have heard, news reports, etc, and they will become part of their memories as if it happened to them. Around the same time, Rich had requested that I replace the shower head in their shower, so he could use the type with the hose. We had an unused one at our house that I installed there. Prior to changing the shower head, Jen says that before the shower head change that Arlene would shower on her own, but sometime get confused on what to do. When it came to helping Arlene shower, Jen handled all of that, I never was even in the room. After the shower head change, Arlene could not figure out how to use it, it had too many valves and knobs, so after a week or so, I replaced with the original. Arlene grew increasingly agitated when it came to shower time, varying between 'why did Rob changed the shower head?' to 'why don't you just bring (a neighbor) up here to shower me?' other illogical statements started to immerge, like after one of her daughters left, Arlene said something to the effect of you never talk to me but you talk to her' and then accused them of dating. It has been sad to see your mom go through this. It will probably get worse. Alzheimer's wreaks havoc on the brain and so far Arlene has done fairly well with it, but it is a progressive disease going from not knowing how to distinguish between the remote and the phone, and your own reality being replaced. Emotional swings become common, and also illogical. I think we've all seen the swings where she will be upset over a conversation because she thinks it is about her when it isn't. I will no longer be giving Arlene her pills even though we have never had a problem with her getting upset about it, on the contrary Arlene and I laugh and joke about it. Just today during her shower Mary said that Arlene accused Rich of taking her out on to the front lawn and making her disrobe. These are not real memories, this is a manifestation of Alzheimer's progression. Please keep this in mind when you hear her complaints. 20171013 I have tried to remain empathetic when I've witnessed family members turning against each other for whatever reason. I've always tried to keep an open and objective mind and be inclusive of others whether or not they agree or disagree with me. Now that the tables have turned and I have been the recipient of some of these false accusations and murmurings I understand more what you all went through in dealing with toxic family members. I'm sorry if I was not more supportive during those times to each of you when you were on the receiving end of it. I'm glad that I know of the accusations. It is a double edged sword though because with knowing about them I have pulled away from my duty to care for a Rich and Arlene. Now that I know it has made me second guess and overly scrutinize everything, which in one sense has been good because it has reinforced the fact that I've done nothing wrong. Knowing of these accusations though has also made me uncomfortable around certain family members who, I know, think things suspicious of me. In that sense I wish that I didn't know, as it has made me leery of associations with family members. Between knowing and not knowing I am glad that I know.

20171010

Don Henley Boys of Summer Metallica lover Pearl Jam Black Elvis Costello Watching The Detectives Massive attack teardrop Elvis Costello pump it up Paula Cole feeling love

20171006

Some of the best lyrics ever written. Wish you were here Pink Floyd. Free Fallin Tom Petty.

20170703

20170703 If I get silent, it is because I don't know what to say. It's not brooding nor anger, it's a complete loss of words.

20170726

I'm feeling the spirit I'm feeling the spirit inside posts along the way and guide posts along the way. Varying degrees of feeling the spirit.. Are there varying degrees and feeling the spirit? Logic and experience tells me yes. All things that are good are from God and therefore influences from the spirit., and turn Any and all of those good feelings are feelings of the spirit. Is there a difference of those feelings and when the spirit is testifying truth? Logic and experience tells me yes. Not all things that are good will have the testifying of the spirit to know that it is right. Some things I have felt the spirit on and other things I have not even though they seem and appear to be in the same class in order. It seems that when the spirit testifies then perhaps there is something more to see you there that needs to be investigated. Or simply to do that whatever choice you just made his a good one everyone. But the spirit does not seem to always testify in every instance. Said least for me. The person healed, then told to walk to the water had all that walking time to doubt Photographs and photomosaics Photos are a snapshot of reality Photomosaics dont fit together perfectly

20170626

Dropped Pin https://goo.gl/maps/XiP2MWzFWwt

20170623

Things to pack Swimming shorts some sort of flops or sandals kama hat, Nikon camera and battery, Jocko's in Nipomo moes in Pismo Beach barbecue, pages Blanca speech elephant seals splash cafe in Pismo Beach Club shower it Fitbit charging cable Shaving and toiletries. Propane top stove Phone charger batteries Purp Razorblade Slim down big red finger

20170923

H7n 9p3d 2e8p 2r4d Janice DNA kit

20170915

To sum up a life To some I am known as the guy that made a photo that went viral, to others the writer of a lisp routine that was popular and helpful. To a select few I am known as dad, and they probably know me best, and my accomplishments the least. To one I am a husband, and she knows me like no other.

Interesting words

Interesting words 20170823 lubri-cat for all your lubrication needs a wet cat meme 20160622 Band names Troy's Bucket All Stop 20160205 Coppachow. And another one that I can't remember something like what you see is what you get wysiwyg but it's something else It is what it is Tiswatis Majiggy Lithotripter Words Ive made: Orpheous Somnaerseco Jershabub Solislibum Vidimotus Velospisok OdinokyBlin Cycolyst

20170716

If corban, get xs (nylon for moisture wicking and tighter fit) Ribknit poly cotton 30S bottom Ribknit poly cotton S top Medium tall top 4171080 30S 4142070 cut#11594 Small top cottonpoly 4171000

20170714

Do you ever feel like your head is locked inside of a helmet? Like there's a barrier or a shell? I've gotten used to wearing motorcycle helmets, for obvious reasons. On my trip to Sturgis, alone on the highway in the middle of nowhere, my mind was free.

20170710

This girl. I keep trying to put into words, but nothing suffices.

20170630

Shared route From (42.4598472,-123.3235641) to Brookings via US-199 S. 2 hr 6 min (99 mi) 2 hr 4 min in current traffic 5. Turn right onto US-199 S 6. Slight right onto CA-197 N 7. Turn right onto US-101 N 8. Turn right onto Hillside Ave 9. Arrive at location: Brookings For the best route in current traffic visit https://goo.gl/maps/4DEYMCXVgep

20170630

Shared route From (42.4534344,-123.3231385) to Rainie Falls via Galice Rd. 44 min (29 mi) 43 min in current traffic 1. Head south on NW 6th St toward NE Steiger St 2. Turn left onto NE Steiger St 3. Turn left onto NE 7th St 4. Use the left lane to take the Interstate 5/OR-99 N ramp to Portland 5. Merge onto I-5 N/OR-99 N 6. Take exit 61 toward Merlin 7. Turn left onto Merlin Rd 8. Continue onto Galice Rd 9. Turn left onto BLM Rd 34-8-1 10. Arrive at location: Rainie Falls For the best route in current traffic visit https://goo.gl/maps/Wj68hQszo4S2

20170626 sand dollars

1 724 2 234 3 704 4

20170626

Dropped Pin https://goo.gl/maps/c4zKVvBaheJ2

20170621

North Beach Campground https://goo.gl/maps/BLAJ1w13Tcz

20170531

201701 anniversary Beanie Enemy Clorwipe Babwipe LG syr Blue dress shirt My boots Trash bags Email tox Bike helmet White sheet Headlamp Jens measurements 34 86 32 81 36 91 Snowboard stuff Clothes for photo shoot Cuffs hat flannel boots

20170531

Dear non-white people: No one is saying your life can't be hard if you're non-white, but it's not hard because you're non-white

20170525

Lil Audrey Was Sitting on the Porch with Her Brother She said, "Look, there's a quarter in the street!" Her brother jumped up and ran into the street to get the money and was promptly squashed by a truck. And Lil Audrey just laughed and laughed, because she knew it was only a nickel. - From Dust Bowl-era America 5 + - 175 120 Who Is the Greatest Chicken-killer in Shakespeare? Who Is the Greatest Chicken-ki... is listed (or ranked) 5 on the list Really Old Jokes That Are Actually Still Funny Photo: music4life/Pixabay/CC0 1.0 Macbeth, because he did murder most foul. - From the Victorian era 6 + - 242 176 What Are the Three Parts of a Wood-Burning Stove? What Are the Three Parts of a ... is listed (or ranked) 6 on the list Really Old Jokes That Are Actually Still Funny Photo: sBerna/flickr/CC-BY-NC-ND 2.0 Lifter, legs, and poker. - From the 19th century 7 + - 192 136 What Hangs at a Man's Thigh and Wants to Poke the Hole It's Often Poked Before? What Hangs at a Man's Thig... is listed (or ranked) 7 on the list Really Old Jokes That Are Actually Still Funny Photo: Ivana Vasilj/flickr/CC-BY-NC-ND 2.0 A key. - From the 10th century 8 + - 128 86 What Do You Call the Largest Mammal on Earth That Lives in a Palace? What Do You Call the Largest M... is listed (or ranked) 8 on the list Really Old Jokes That Are Actually Still Funny Photo: PraxisGer/Pixabay/CC0 1.0 The Prince of Wales, of course! - From the 18th century load more next list> . 0 viewers of this list also saw... 59 People Who Texted The Wrong Number At The Wrong Time The Creepiest "When You See It" Pictures Ever 23 Idiotic Drunk Facebook Posts You're Glad You Didn't Write Inappropriate Mailboxes That Could Only Happen in America Inappropriate Bumper Stickers That'll Ward Off Tailgaters The Best Current TV Shows No One Is Watching H more popular lists .

20170527

Trailer wiring: Female - ground 1st Male - run 2nd Male - left 3rd Male - right Shys van: Male - ground 1st Female - run 2nd Female - left 3rd Female - right Brown van:

20170519

End of the Beginning Welcome - this is the end my only friend the end. Actually it's just the beginning. The end of the beginning. In the beginning was the son and the son with the beginning. And also the man came forth out of the ground but the man was ugly - Because his creator didn't know how to draw real well. The overseer was in the beginning and knew the man would come. He was prepared. He sent the Scorpion to sting the man. The Scorpions name was Rex. And Rex begat the Box. And box begat boxiha. And that boxiha begat boxim and boxim begat aboxe and aboxe would turn into a sphere and leave the Earth to shine in the dark. And there were three hundred and three score and seven mini - men who marched. And, well... These are trees. Now the object of the story, if you will, is that life is too short to be black and white, void of love and excitement. Why waste a minute being angry at another. Or spend our idle time as dross? Life is too short not to use productively. Make life special. Fill the void with love and service. Don't help the overseer. Robert Herr 3 Jun 1991 Ode to the Twisted Ones And the Adventure Continues... Much had changed in the world. The overseer had betrayed scorpion Rex, and made a tasty dish with chives n' all out of him. He is now making deals with the Buddish rebels. And now a word from our sponsor... TRY... Secretly.. Box and boxiha were corroborating with the Buddha Rebels. ( The Buddish Rebel camp ) And the Buddha Rebels were corroborating with box & boxiha. And they corroborated upon our little place... Using their massive recycled tofu extract bomb... And phased the place... And built a large office building. Where later... Clint Eastwood & Ronald Reagan would go on a mass shooting spree.

20170518

/cgi-bin/hygrid/hygrid?center=rhr001.gif https://www.sito.org/cgi-bin/hygrid/rescon?m=uf&synid=RHR&piece=rhr001.gif&dir=d

20170510

I'm my own grampaw This is a song. The words are pretty complicated, and the ones I remember don't seem to be the ones anyone else uses, so I'll write down the ones I remember. The original, I'm not sure who wrote it, but google says it was sung by Homer & Jethro for RCA in 1956. Chorus: I'm my own grampaw (EFEDC), I'm my own grampaw (FGFED), It sounds funny I know (EFGEFG), But it really is so (FGAFGA), oh (AGF) I'm my own grampaw (EFEDC). Verse 1 Many many years ago when I was twenty-three, I met with a widder who was pretty as can be, The widder had a daughter who had flowing hair of red, My father met the widder's daughter, soon they too were wed, oh ... Verse 2 The problems that I'm speaking of had only just begun. My father soon became the father of a tiny son. To make the situation worse, although it brought me joy, I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy, oh ... Verse 3 My father's now my son-in-law, although he's still my father. This is the truth, you see, because he's married to my daughter. And my poor daughter's more than just an aunt to her own brother My father's now my son in law, so she's my own step mother, oh ... Verse 4 I like to tell my father, although it makes him mad, That he's his mother's brother's cousin's uncle's own grandad, And here's a bit that I have always thought was rather wild, Since I'm my daughter's son-in-law I am my own grandchild, oh ... Verse 5 My wife is mother to my father, and it makes me blue, Although she is my wife she is my ... grandmother too, This brings me to the strangest thing my family ever saw, Since I'm my father's father-in-law, I am my own grampaw, oh ...

20170514

The two programs being dropped trace their roots back to the LDS Church. In 1928, the church created Vanguard Scouting, for 15 and 16 year olds. Several years later, BSA asked for — and received — permission to use the Vanguard Scouting as a template for its own new “Explorer Scouts” program. The LDS Church adopted the Exploring program in 1936 and then added Cub Scouting in 1952 to be sponsored by its Primary auxiliary organization. Venturing was created in 1970 for ages 14 and 15, with the Varsity program developed by LDS leaders in 1978, replacing Venturing for 14- and 15-year-olds in 1983 and being adopted by BSA in 1984. And in 1998, BSA’s Venturing program replaced the Exploring. Info from http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865679712/LDS-Scouting-leader-sees-a-loss-opportunity-ongoing-relationship-and-irony.html

20170510

Carson Robison's "Life Gets Teejus, Don't It" Navigate up My home page Readings index Life Gets Teejus, Don't It by Carson Jay Robison, 1890-1957 • Background This 1948 country hit was a great favorite of my father's. I can still see him smiling along as it played on the radio. It formed a part — a small part, I believe and hope — of my childhood image of the United States: an idle man in a broken-down farmhouse somewhere, not really giving a flying damn about anything much. Listening to it again, now, I still find the whole ambience of the song awfully appealing. ————————— • Play the song This text will be replaced by the flash music player. ————————— • Lyrics of the song Sun comes up and the sun goes down. The hands on the clock keep goin' around. I just get up an' it's time to lay down. Life gets teejus, don't it? My shoe's untied but I don't really care. I ain't a-figurin' on goin' nowhere. I'd have to wash an' comb my hair. That's just wasted effort. Water in the well's gettin' lower an' lower. Can't take a bath for six months or more But I've heard it said, and it's true I'm sure, That too much bathin'll weaken' you. I open the door an' the flies swarm in. I shut the door an' I'm sweatin' again. I move too fast an' I crack my shin. Just one durn thing after t'other. My old brown mule, he must be sick. I jabbed him in the rump with a pin on a stick. He humped his back, but he wouldn't kick. There's somethin' cockeyed somewhere. There's a mouse a-chawin' on the pantry door. He's been at it for at least a month or more. When he gets through there he's sure goin' to be sore. [Chuckles] There ain't a durn thing in there. Hound dog howlin', he's so folorn. Laziest dog that ever was born. He's howlin' 'cause he's a-sittin' on a thorn — Just too tired to move over. Tin roof leaks an' the chimney leans. There's a hole in the seat of my ol' blue jeans. An' I've et the last of them pork an' beans. Jus' can't depend on nuthin'. Cow's gone dry an' the hens won't lay. Fish quit bitin' last Saturday. Troubles pile up, day by day — Now I'm gettin' dandruff. Grief an' misery, pains an' woes. Debts an' taxes, an' so it goes. And I think I'm gettin' a cold in the nose … A-choo! Ah, life gets tasteless, don't it?

20170509

Taught last night about wild edible plants in our local area. These plants are readily found here in Southern California. Of all the plants out there more than you would think are edible. Of those that are, there are 10% that are actually worth your time. You don't have to go far to get them, as two of my favorites will grow in your yard! If you're unsure, don't eat it. There are plants that will make you sick, or worse. The good news is right now you can do a little looking, and more importantly, try out a few recipes and gain experience. Brassica Nigra - Black Mustard I list this one first because if you are hiking, or even walking along the sidewalk, you've seen this plant. It is the reason the hills turn that unmistakable yellow at this time of year (April/May). It is also probably growing right now within 200' of your house. It's everywhere, it should be the California State flower. The best parts are the flower heads before they blossom. They will look like mini broccoli, and taste a little spicy. Pick them off as you walk by and eat them raw. I have gathered up a few handfuls and rinsed/boiled them (it cuts down on their strong flavor). Add to any meal for spice and nutrition boost. http://www.pfaf.org/User/Plant.aspx?LatinName=Brassica+nigra Sambucus Mexicana - Blue Elder If there is a tree/shrub that grows like a weed, this is it. Unmistakable also at this time of year with its cream colored flower bunches over deep green leaves. The flowers can be made into a tea. They will grow small green buds, turn into dark (almost black), then pale blue covered with a whitish hue, that signals the berries are ripe. Jellies, jams, juices, drying. Note thought that all other parts of this plant are toxic, including stems. http://mother-natures-backyard.blogspot.com/2012/08/plant-of-month-august-blue-mexican.html?m=1 Chenopodium Album - Lambsquarters I've been pulling this 'weed' out of my yard for years. Closely related to a cousin shown here next to it, which both grow prolifically in your yard. The Nettleleaf-Goosefoot on the right is the you redheaded stepchild (it doesn't taste good). Lamb's-quarter however is comparable to spinach and even surpasses it in some ways. 10x more calcium and 8x more vitamin C, for instance. I've heard some stores in LA sell it as 'Wild Spinach' for exorbitant prices. But it grows for free in your yard you want it or not, so might as well harvest it. Use the leaves anywhere you would use Spinach. https://www.chelseagreen.com/blogs/use-lambsquarter-from-root-to-seed/ And now on to my favorite. The plant that will save the world. Portulaca Oleracea - Purslane is a nutritional vegetable (yes you heard me right), offering remarkable amounts of minerals (most notably calcium, iron, magnesium, and potassium), omega-3 fatty acids, vitamins (A, B, C), and antioxydants. The succulent leaves and new stems have a lemon-pepper taste. Rinse and boil, stir fry, and many other uses. I made a simple recipe of purslane, tomato, mozzarella, and chicken that was very good. The kids wouldn't eat it though because they still thought of it as a weed. http://chocolateandzucchini.com/ingredients-fine-foods/45-things-to-do-with-purslane/

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Jealousy Speaking from the point of view of the jealous one, I can say that it is cyclic. I have found that it is not something I will just get over and be done with. It is jealousy towards those that she has had love and attention for, and I want her to myself. Not only now but in the past as well, and I understand that is not only illogical, but is not possible. I've realized that it is also jealousy for my own shyness as a teenager. I didn't pursue those that I was with in the same ways. I could have been more outgoing etc. I realize that the past is the past and nothing can be done about it. I should not though shy away from confronting my feelings on it. I have to own my own past. I made mistakes that I wish I didn't make, but at the time it was what I wanted. Right or wrong, at the time I wanted it. I realized through those experiences what I really wanted in life. Where I am now is what I want. She doesn't deserve any backlash for the past, by my silence nor me not being able to deal with things. She has chosen me and I her. Owning my own past and allowing her to not be burdened by my feelings toward her past has allowed me to let it go.

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Pre 2014 It's a mixture of jealousy, it's a mixture of jealousy, I was photographing a bunch of old pictures for jennifer and coming across pictures of her former lovers wondering why these things bother me so much. it's a mixture of jealousy and not so much the fact that they have had her but said she was in love with them and gave her energy to them Usually in my mind I can put the past in the past and literally what happened before has no bearing on today, even my own past should bother me more than ths and at times it does. And it does even though I know that I've been forgiven the sting of past regrets still haunts now and then. do I just need to ignore these feelings or do I confront them to overcome them? So l is it jealousy mixed with what? I cannot expect to have had a purely virginous marriage from the beginning since neither 1 of us were completely without some sort of past. Also jennifer had returned virtue to herself by repenting and working toward something better . So then what is it? This feeling of gloomy and powerful emotions? This feeling that they had occupied her mind, and her energy was driven towards them? There has been many many times in our marriage when this either 1 of us was so into the other and put so much energy and love and passion towards each other. I long to have that more constant in my life. Now and then we hav it together and it is incredible when its there. I shouldn't expect to have that 100 percent of the time. it wouldn't work that way and we wouldn't feel the same way about it. So it boils down to wanting that love and passion and energy, and knowing that there were others that had it from her in youth when it was so strong and powerful. I guess I just want that to be just for me. I know she doesn't share her mind or her heart was anyone else. And there's nothing that I can do about this except get over it in my own mind. But how? It is such a strong emotion. I try turning the tables and putting myself in her shoes and looking at it objectively, I don't have anything in the past that I look at and say I love this person or have fun memories for a former girlfriends. so it doesn't compare because regardless of what happened in the past past I love jennifer now. It's a mixture of jealousy regret desire insecurity passion curiosity and need. all rolled into 1 big ball of gloom. So if i ignore it i will be ok until it rears its ugly head again and i have to deal with it. Sometimes I have to deal with my own past and my own failings and regret. Same thing though, wishing that i had done something different back then. I could have made my past better by my choices i may have been able to have helped jennifer with her choices had i been a better person, been able to stand up to my friends. This isnt anyones burden but my own. How could it be? It is fully wrapped up in my head and there is nothing that can be done about the past. So i need to deal with it, get over it, or ignore it. Is it just reassurance? Do i need to know for certain that the past doesnt matter? I know it doesnt, but theres that saying that what we do defines who we are, our experiences shape who we are, what we do is a revealing of our character. So how do you go from being a person who has made mistakes to a person of conviction? Are we just fooling ourselves into thinking that we are upright moral souls who keep commitments even though our failings are telling us otherwise? Looking back I realize that I am not a man of conviction. Not brave enough to do what is right. Not a man of honor and word. 20170502 So as it is cyclic, I have found that it is not something I wil just get over and be done with. It is jealousy towards those that she has had love and attention for. I want her to myself not only now but in the past as well and that is not possible. Jealousy for my own shyness as a teenager that I didn't pursue those tat I was with in the same ways. I could have been more outgoing etc. I realize that the past is the past and nothing can be done about it. I should not though shy away from confronting my feelings on it. I have to own my own past. I made mistakes that I wish I didn't make, but at the time I it was what I wanted. Right or wrong, at the time I wanted it. I realized through those experiences what I really wanted in life. Where I am now is what I want. Jen doesn't deserve any backlash for the past, by my silence nor me not being able to deal with things. She has chosen me and I her. Owning my own past and allowing her to not be burdened by my own feelings toward her past has allowed me to let it go. I still want to know the details but I don't know if this will send me spinning or set me free. I've learned bits and chunks here and there. I can tell you my love for you will still be strong After the boys of summer have gone Everyone's got to face down the demons maybe today we can put the past away Regrets collect like oldfriends Here to relive your darkest moments I can see no way, I can see no way And all of the ghouls come out to play And every demon wants his pound of flesh But I like to keep some things to myself I like to keep my issues strong It's always darkest before the dawn And I've been a fool and I've been blind I can never leave the past behind I can see no way, I can see no way I'm always dragging that horse around