20170503

Pre 2014 It's a mixture of jealousy, it's a mixture of jealousy, I was photographing a bunch of old pictures for jennifer and coming across pictures of her former lovers wondering why these things bother me so much. it's a mixture of jealousy and not so much the fact that they have had her but said she was in love with them and gave her energy to them Usually in my mind I can put the past in the past and literally what happened before has no bearing on today, even my own past should bother me more than ths and at times it does. And it does even though I know that I've been forgiven the sting of past regrets still haunts now and then. do I just need to ignore these feelings or do I confront them to overcome them? So l is it jealousy mixed with what? I cannot expect to have had a purely virginous marriage from the beginning since neither 1 of us were completely without some sort of past. Also jennifer had returned virtue to herself by repenting and working toward something better . So then what is it? This feeling of gloomy and powerful emotions? This feeling that they had occupied her mind, and her energy was driven towards them? There has been many many times in our marriage when this either 1 of us was so into the other and put so much energy and love and passion towards each other. I long to have that more constant in my life. Now and then we hav it together and it is incredible when its there. I shouldn't expect to have that 100 percent of the time. it wouldn't work that way and we wouldn't feel the same way about it. So it boils down to wanting that love and passion and energy, and knowing that there were others that had it from her in youth when it was so strong and powerful. I guess I just want that to be just for me. I know she doesn't share her mind or her heart was anyone else. And there's nothing that I can do about this except get over it in my own mind. But how? It is such a strong emotion. I try turning the tables and putting myself in her shoes and looking at it objectively, I don't have anything in the past that I look at and say I love this person or have fun memories for a former girlfriends. so it doesn't compare because regardless of what happened in the past past I love jennifer now. It's a mixture of jealousy regret desire insecurity passion curiosity and need. all rolled into 1 big ball of gloom. So if i ignore it i will be ok until it rears its ugly head again and i have to deal with it. Sometimes I have to deal with my own past and my own failings and regret. Same thing though, wishing that i had done something different back then. I could have made my past better by my choices i may have been able to have helped jennifer with her choices had i been a better person, been able to stand up to my friends. This isnt anyones burden but my own. How could it be? It is fully wrapped up in my head and there is nothing that can be done about the past. So i need to deal with it, get over it, or ignore it. Is it just reassurance? Do i need to know for certain that the past doesnt matter? I know it doesnt, but theres that saying that what we do defines who we are, our experiences shape who we are, what we do is a revealing of our character. So how do you go from being a person who has made mistakes to a person of conviction? Are we just fooling ourselves into thinking that we are upright moral souls who keep commitments even though our failings are telling us otherwise? Looking back I realize that I am not a man of conviction. Not brave enough to do what is right. Not a man of honor and word. 20170502 So as it is cyclic, I have found that it is not something I wil just get over and be done with. It is jealousy towards those that she has had love and attention for. I want her to myself not only now but in the past as well and that is not possible. Jealousy for my own shyness as a teenager that I didn't pursue those tat I was with in the same ways. I could have been more outgoing etc. I realize that the past is the past and nothing can be done about it. I should not though shy away from confronting my feelings on it. I have to own my own past. I made mistakes that I wish I didn't make, but at the time I it was what I wanted. Right or wrong, at the time I wanted it. I realized through those experiences what I really wanted in life. Where I am now is what I want. Jen doesn't deserve any backlash for the past, by my silence nor me not being able to deal with things. She has chosen me and I her. Owning my own past and allowing her to not be burdened by my own feelings toward her past has allowed me to let it go. I still want to know the details but I don't know if this will send me spinning or set me free. I've learned bits and chunks here and there. I can tell you my love for you will still be strong After the boys of summer have gone Everyone's got to face down the demons maybe today we can put the past away Regrets collect like oldfriends Here to relive your darkest moments I can see no way, I can see no way And all of the ghouls come out to play And every demon wants his pound of flesh But I like to keep some things to myself I like to keep my issues strong It's always darkest before the dawn And I've been a fool and I've been blind I can never leave the past behind I can see no way, I can see no way I'm always dragging that horse around