Tuesday, July 10, 2018


20180703 I've realized over the past few days that I have a cyclic depression/anxiety. Fortunately it is short lived and not very frequent. I think I've had it all my life. Is it seasonal or situational? But during these times I don't think straight, make bad decisions, and say things that I wouldn't normally say. I don't work well under pressure. I misinterpret others and become hyper-critical. With the anxiety, my decision making process is off. I decide out of desperation and become alarmist, overly quick to make rash decisions. With the depression, I become moody, my thoughts turn dark, I find no joy in life. It affects every aspect of my life where I wonder if I've have ever been happy. I know I have but during these times I can no longer feel it. It is a dark place where I don't care whether I live or die. I need to remember this feeling and the triggers that put me here so I can circumvent them in the future and avoid all this. I also don't appreciate the good times as much as I should. Looking back over old emails I realized that the majority of our disagreements are in the summer, I don't know why that is. Maybe that is part of my seasonal cycle, maybe I don't do well with the heat.

20180701 dream

20180701 dream I and a bunch of other "me's" were around a fifth wheel trailer where one part of me had gone in to talk with the occupant. The trailer front was close the the ground as there was a hill, and one of the parts of me laid on the ground to hold the trailer up. Lying on the ground with my arms holding the trailer above me, bracing it against the ground. As more weight entered the trailer, it pressed down on my chest cutting off my breathing. As I tried to signal what was happening, I died. I figure now that I died in the dream, but it must have been third person view, as I wasnt really scared in the dream. After I awoke I realized that that was a part of my communication that is dying or needs to die. Jen and I had a fight/disagreement. Janel was talking about her wedding, she decided she could not invite family members as it was getting too big. So since she couldn't find a way to invite only a few without inviting many, no one can come. She said she was having trouble thinking of how to pay for an officiator and a photographer, she had considered me for the photos since it would be like I was there for the photos and not being invited to the wedding. It's complicated. I mentioned that I am ordained and could perform weddings. She then said maybe to having me do the officiating and photos. They would need a witness too, so she checked with tees friends who could not make it. I was going to tell Jen but Janel said she wanted to. She this get and it hurt Jen's feelings. Not being invited but mostly that I didn't tell her. I thought about Jen and a weekend away, where them I go do the services. Jen didn't like the idea of going up there and then sitting at the hotel and not being able to go to the wedding. Jen hadn't told me yet about her feelings. When I found out that Jen had to work that weekend and couldn't go I thought to myself that I didn't want to go either. I found out when we went to dinner. I hate the feelings that I have now, anxiety and depression, I want to cancel going to do the wedding but I've committed and Jen doesn't want me to say anything to Janel. So a part of me has died. 20180702 So I keep making a bad situation worse. I've been wracking my brain on how to make this work, Jen's been distant, quiet. She says she doesn't want to go, I don't want to go without her, it's an 11 hour drive, family is technically not supposed to be there, I'm saving her $2000, one of the boys could go, I just found out that I have a kidney stone stuck in the tube, surgery tentatively scheduled in August so would I be up for an 11 hour drive? I text Janel and say I might not be able to make it. I'd rather say it now than at the last minute and leave her high and dry. I offer to help pay for a photographer and officiator. She says she wouldn't have me pay for that then stops replying. Jen tells me I shouldn't have tried to back out of it this way and she's right. I'm an idiot, I keep doing things like this and screwing things up. Help me to remember this feeling so I don't make this same mistake in the future. I need to see the chain of events and what happened so I can not to it next time. 5pm Jennifer got the results back from her ultrasound on her head, she's been having headaches (usual) but also a specific pain on the right base of her skull and ringing in her ears. The us speed some unidentified lesions on the center of her brain so they are sending her to a neurologist. She is not too worried, but with her mom's altzhimers that is one of the signs.


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20180702 As I approached 100, I thought to myself: if a tire blew out, I ran over a two by four, a car sideswiped me; how long would it hurt? Would I black out from the pain, have a heart attack while tumbling along the road, get crushed under tires? While my bones break, would I wish to survive?


Make a drywall screw hairbrush


2080701 One drop. A single teardrop into the carpet. It dissipated and disappeared like the life of the one who shed it. If I was to kill myself today, there would be no one to stop me. I've tried to find and see the point in continuing on. It's hard to see. People would be disappointed, heartbroken for a while, but they would get over it and life would go on. I've been trying to talk myself out of it. I know that if I made the choice to do it, that would be it. I haven't made the choice. I don't want to live in this depression. I don't want to live under this weight. It changes the way I view everything and everyone. Happy wife happy life must be a true statement cause I don't feel anything good when we are fighting or having a disagreement. Sometimes life just sucks. #HappyWifeHappyLife It's strange that during depression, it feels as though one had never felt joy in life at all.


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