20160628

20160628 Look back to time find memory the change the moment the hinge Look back to time try to find the memory of the change the moment that hinge to the door open smashed my finger in the door my hamster having to put it down in the car exhaust hand him not dying I don't remember now if I even completed ask I tried and then he was dead like most of my things in life I didn't do a complete in so he's suffered it was lessons in life but for me it was excruciating. Was that the first time with death I don't think so my grandfather but I had nothing to do with that this is I was the executionur , trying merciful e and failing miserably. I feel like most of my life is failure him short falling off what I should have done define who we really are I should have given him a chicken but iy knew he had duped me. Bring something that have been offered already with the new stipulation like solomon I should have kept my word even though I knew I had been do it and then gotten my revenge later or talked hit up and forgotton about it that's when I realized that I was not the man of integrity as in all of the stories I had read of moral uprightness Mom mom what do I write my has a lan? Many things have changed reviews in my life and giving me ideas good life altering happenings were things that have change my way of thinking the way I looked at the world Looking back at my life and the shit that I've put myself and others through halls I can see is the bad things I feel that I've made no real contributions to you the world around me I feel more like I'm at her a taker than a giver him that I could have been should have done so much better with my life and I did but what would I changed if I could change anything? Going forward I'm still going to be the same person who never get enough and never felt enough like *I* was enough. 20160629 There was a time when I was confident and sure, long before I am where I am now, unconfident around people and timid to take control. Is there a difference between confidence and ignorance? Or obvliviousness? What was it that ship my confidence in the beginning that made me the way you today? Was there a single eveny or something someone said? I look around me see other people that incident that are confident and wonder why they are the way they are. White and maybe why can't I be more confident