20160226 pathway

20160222 I wonder sometimes about my influence on the lives of others. I don't feel like I make a big impact on others or even the world around me. Just before death people will of dance with slip into another place my grandmother was surrounded by children in her room, my grandfather was back in the war possibly looking for his lost twin brother who is shot down 70 years earlier. I sometimes wonder where I will be at that point will it be a good place? Will I be a good person? Will I be old and crotchety and be not pleasant for my caregivers? 20160223 I feel that I am in a better place now then I use to be, in being able to deal with difficult circumstances and situations. I am less judgemental towards others and more objective in my view point. I used to be very black and white, and could agree with someone when their viewpoint was close to mine, but felt they were off if theirs did not coinside with mine. 20160224 What is the role of orthodoxy verses the spirit of the law in my life? I feel that I don't measure up to the cookie cutter perfect example of what a mormon should be. Many of those traits, if you want to call them, are cultural and societal. I used to be very judgemental towards myself.i had to be perfect in everything. I was expecting perfection in a flawed paradigm. 20160225 The question would have been: was I not enough ? Which is perhaps 1 of the reasons that did not say anything. 20160226 I spent the day watching my grandchildren while my wife and daughter were at work. I was still able to get things done a little. I guess I have given up part of my life for others in this, but I feel like I want to be able to have a positive influence on the lives of my children and grandchildren. Will I? My grandfather, my mother's father, held me and walked back and forth to put me to sleep as a baby. We visited every year. He was kind as I remember with my 7 year old brain, before he passed away. I barely remember him. My grandmothers passed away when I was in my 30s. My last grandfather, last week. We have always lived far away from them. I wish we were physically closer to family.