20180703

20180703 I've realized over the past few days that I have a cyclic depression/anxiety. Fortunately it is short lived and not very frequent. I think I've had it all my life. Is it seasonal or situational? But during these times I don't think straight, make bad decisions, and say things that I wouldn't normally say. I don't work well under pressure. I misinterpret others and become hyper-critical. With the anxiety, my decision making process is off. I decide out of desperation and become alarmist, overly quick to make rash decisions. With the depression, I become moody, my thoughts turn dark, I find no joy in life. It affects every aspect of my life where I wonder if I've have ever been happy. I know I have but during these times I can no longer feel it. It is a dark place where I don't care whether I live or die. I need to remember this feeling and the triggers that put me here so I can circumvent them in the future and avoid all this. I also don't appreciate the good times as much as I should. Looking back over old emails I realized that the majority of our disagreements are in the summer, I don't know why that is. Maybe that is part of my seasonal cycle, maybe I don't do well with the heat.

20180701 dream

20180701 dream I and a bunch of other "me's" were around a fifth wheel trailer where one part of me had gone in to talk with the occupant. The trailer front was close the the ground as there was a hill, and one of the parts of me laid on the ground to hold the trailer up. Lying on the ground with my arms holding the trailer above me, bracing it against the ground. As more weight entered the trailer, it pressed down on my chest cutting off my breathing. As I tried to signal what was happening, I died. I figure now that I died in the dream, but it must have been third person view, as I wasnt really scared in the dream. After I awoke I realized that that was a part of my communication that is dying or needs to die. Jen and I had a fight/disagreement. Janel was talking about her wedding, she decided she could not invite family members as it was getting too big. So since she couldn't find a way to invite only a few without inviting many, no one can come. She said she was having trouble thinking of how to pay for an officiator and a photographer, she had considered me for the photos since it would be like I was there for the photos and not being invited to the wedding. It's complicated. I mentioned that I am ordained and could perform weddings. She then said maybe to having me do the officiating and photos. They would need a witness too, so she checked with tees friends who could not make it. I was going to tell Jen but Janel said she wanted to. She this get and it hurt Jen's feelings. Not being invited but mostly that I didn't tell her. I thought about Jen and a weekend away, where them I go do the services. Jen didn't like the idea of going up there and then sitting at the hotel and not being able to go to the wedding. Jen hadn't told me yet about her feelings. When I found out that Jen had to work that weekend and couldn't go I thought to myself that I didn't want to go either. I found out when we went to dinner. I hate the feelings that I have now, anxiety and depression, I want to cancel going to do the wedding but I've committed and Jen doesn't want me to say anything to Janel. So a part of me has died. 20180702 So I keep making a bad situation worse. I've been wracking my brain on how to make this work, Jen's been distant, quiet. She says she doesn't want to go, I don't want to go without her, it's an 11 hour drive, family is technically not supposed to be there, I'm saving her $2000, one of the boys could go, I just found out that I have a kidney stone stuck in the tube, surgery tentatively scheduled in August so would I be up for an 11 hour drive? I text Janel and say I might not be able to make it. I'd rather say it now than at the last minute and leave her high and dry. I offer to help pay for a photographer and officiator. She says she wouldn't have me pay for that then stops replying. Jen tells me I shouldn't have tried to back out of it this way and she's right. I'm an idiot, I keep doing things like this and screwing things up. Help me to remember this feeling so I don't make this same mistake in the future. I need to see the chain of events and what happened so I can not to it next time. 5pm Jennifer got the results back from her ultrasound on her head, she's been having headaches (usual) but also a specific pain on the right base of her skull and ringing in her ears. The us speed some unidentified lesions on the center of her brain so they are sending her to a neurologist. She is not too worried, but with her mom's altzhimers that is one of the signs.

20180702

14629 / 13847 - Emoji Blitz Stitch Booster Set - Laughing pin Sku 400020138019 14628 / 13845 - Emoji Blitz Stitch Booster Set - Heart Eyes pin Sku 400020138019 14631 / 13844 - Emoji Blitz Stitch Booster Set - Sticking Out Tongue pin Sku 400020138019 14626 / 13846 - Emoji Blitz Stitch Booster Set - Embarrassed pin Sku 400020138019 4890 - Emoji Blitz Stitch Booster Set Nerds Rock! Head Collection - Stitch SKU 4 00006 18847 2 15499 - Nautilius Limited Edition of 250 Bronze Nautilius from 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea Booster Collection Stitch Biting Disney Pin 40553 28 9.90 free Booster Collection Stitch Crawling with Tongue Out Disney Pin 40552 15 1.90 1.99 Donald Pirate Barrel 16 Dopey and Doc Splash Mountain 4 Mickey Pirate Cannon 1 Chip and Dale Bigfoot Print Matterhorn 3 Lilo and Stitch Space Mountain 3 Mickey Donald Pluto Goofy Hollywood Tower Hotel 2 Dumbo Soarin' 2 Mickey and Minnie Haunted Mansion 13

20180702

20180702 As I approached 100, I thought to myself: if a tire blew out, I ran over a two by four, a car sideswiped me; how long would it hurt? Would I black out from the pain, have a heart attack while tumbling along the road, get crushed under tires? While my bones break, would I wish to survive?

20180701

Make a drywall screw hairbrush

20180701

2080701 One drop. A single teardrop into the carpet. It dissipated and disappeared like the life of the one who shed it. If I was to kill myself today, there would be no one to stop me. I've tried to find and see the point in continuing on. It's hard to see. People would be disappointed, heartbroken for a while, but they would get over it and life would go on. I've been trying to talk myself out of it. I know that if I made the choice to do it, that would be it. I haven't made the choice. I don't want to live in this depression. I don't want to live under this weight. It changes the way I view everything and everyone. Happy wife happy life must be a true statement cause I don't feel anything good when we are fighting or having a disagreement. Sometimes life just sucks. #HappyWifeHappyLife It's strange that during depression, it feels as though one had never felt joy in life at all.

20180627

art kane masters of contemporary photography Temptation peacock / Bantam Larkin first edition paperback Scar strangled Banger Ralph Steadman dust jacket Your world United Nations environment programme 18th National print exhibit Brooklyn Museum 1972 1973 paperback Moonshadow DC vertigo 10 of 12 January 1995 Taboo Especial 1991 Clip-on in a box Utah David munch fourth hardback dust jacket enter Adams / national parks first edition paperback Clarence John Laughlin aperture 17 3 and 4 Enter Flesh and Blood hardback dust jacket picture project Grateful Dead official grushkin Enter Spectrum to Burnett Fenner hardback dust jacket enter Henry Mora Chronicle hardback dust jacket enter bouguereau whisman Nuka Enter art of color photography John hedgecoe Enter Pink Floyd miles and turn creation Viking first edition Shawn Mortensen out of mind hardback enter John hedgecoe is Advanced photography hardback does jacket enter Mike Allred madman signed Encyclopedia of magic and Witchcraft Greenwood paperback enter National way to draw nikolaides 1941. Marvel es Daniels paperback Batman Dark Knight Rises Frank Miller 1986 enter two guys staring at the moon clip on first edition whack your porcupine first edition.

20180621

20180621 Je Ja and Ri had a discussion slash blow out last night. Ma had confronted Bo when Bo came over a few weeks ago and was spouting lies. He was down the hall had Ri cornered in the bedroom and was saying that Ma was a liar about things that have been said Etc that she was misquoting El and that El and never said that she believed my inappropriate things or molested, if molested was the right word, that she used. He was saying that she El never told Ma that. Su had confronted Bo few weeks prior and then Ma had confronted Bo as well. With Ma out of town Je felt that if Bo came over she would have to defend herself so she was telling Ri what she would do so that she and he were mentally prepared for it. And Ri felt that Je
was making something out of nothing. That nothing had happened yet and she shouldn't be telling him, her father, what to do. but she was only saying that she would not let Bo corner him down the hall that if you wanted to talk he would have to talk out in the living room. It went back and forth it was very frustrating. Listening to them argue is like listening to two brick walls converse with each other. When Ri has an opinion no evidence to the contrary sways his opinion. He's very stubborn and set in his ways. And his thinking. It is partially who the information is coming from. He doesn't realize it but he's very biased according to where he's getting his information, some people when he receives information from them he is skeptical and always skeptical when it comes from that person. Other people he believes straight out.

20180619

Ford f100 Rear end width 61.25 Wheelbase 128

20180610

The revised Pirates of the Caribbean ride has gotten rid of gender stereotypes and replaced them with stereotypes of alcohol addiction.

20180607 0419

20180607 0419 Pack up hike on drop off Pack up hike on drop out

20180530

That's about where I sit. If we are literally just organisms with no eternal souls (which to me is bleak indeed) I still want to make the most of this life and live as if there is something more, it makes for a better life for me and society as a whole. Whether we are reincarnated, or came here as a 'one and only' shot at life, we all wanted to be here. If it's reincarnation then we not only wanted to come here, but we keep wanting to come back. I enjoy life, I don't want it to end. I also don't see myself growing all that I need to in one single life. Whether it's reincarnation or a single life to live, we know nothing of existence outside of this realm. I think even we would have wanted it this way, it would spoil it to know all of the answers while we're going through it. Like a dream that you know is a dream and then can have complete control of, where is the unknown and the spontaneity?

20180527

Scripture of the year 4 Nephi 1 15 And it came to pass that there was no contention in the land, because of the love of God which did dwell in the hearts of the people. 16 And there were no envyings, nor strifes, nor tumults, nor whoredoms, nor lyings, nor murders, nor any manner of lasciviousness; and surely there could not be a happier people among all the people who had been created by the hand of God.

20130912

20130912. Listening to the sounds in the canyon, swinging in the hammock, above my head a swaying pulsing symphony, the wooded tree brushes the canyon walls, the voices whisper, and moan, the breath of the wind turns to the rushing of waters... #robherr #tree #sierranevadamountains

20180522

Sweet Amber Mama they tried to break me So here I am savor every minute of it LYRICS Is it worth the can you even hear me Standing with your spotlight on me Not enough to feed the hungry I'm tired and I felt it for awhile now In this sea of lonely The taste of ink is getting old It's four o' clock in the fucking morning Each day gets more and more like the last day Still I can see it coming While I'm standing in the river drowning This could be my chance to break out This could be my chance to say goodbye At last it's finally over Couldn't take this town much longer Being half dead wasn't what I planned to be Now I'm ready to be free So here I am it's in my hands And I'll savor every moment of this So here I am alive at last And I'll savor every moment of this Won't you think I'm pretty When I'm standing top the bright lit city And I'll take your hand and pick you up And keep you there so you can see it As long as you're alive and care I promise I will take you there We'll drink and dance the night away We'll drink and dance the night away So here I am it's in my hands And I'll savor every moment of this So here I am alive at last And I'll savor every moment of this Savor every moment of this As long as you're alive Here I am I promise I will take you there As long as you're alive Here I am I promise I will take you there Won't you think I'm pretty When I'm standing top the bright lit city And I'll take your hand and pick you up And keep you there so you can see it So long as you're alive and care I promise I will take you there So long as you're alive and care I promise I will take you there So here I am it's in my hands And I'll savor every moment of this So here I am alive at last And I'll savor every moment of this Savor every moment of this Savor every moment of this Songwriters: Branden Steineckert / Jeph Howard / Quinn Allman / Robert Mccracken The Taste of Ink lyrics © Spirit Music Group LOW MAN'S LYRIC  Written by Hetfield/Ulrich My eyes seek reality My fingers seek my veins There's a dog at your back step He must come in from the rain I fall 'cause I've let go The net below has rot away So my eyes seek reality And my fingers seek my veins The trash fire is warm But nowhere safe from the storm And I can't bear to see What I've let me be So wicked and worn So as I write to you Of what is done and to do Maybe you'll understand And you won't cry for this man 'Cause low man is due         Please forgive me My eyes seek reality My fingers feel for faith Touch clean with a dirty hand I touch the clean to the waste The trash fire is warm But nowhere safe from the storm And I can't bear to see What I've let me be So wicked and worn So as I write to you Of what is done and to do Maybe you'll understand And won't cry for this man 'Cause low man is due         Please forgive me So low, the sky is all I see All I want from you is forgive me So you bring this poor dog in from the rain Though he just wants right back out again And I cry to the alleyway Confess all to the rain But I lie, lie straight to the mirror The one I've broken to match my face The trash fire is warm But nowhere safe from the storm And I can't bear to see What I've let me be So wicked and worn So as I write to you Of what is done and to do Maybe you'll understand And won't cry for this man 'Cause low man is due         Please forgive me So low, the sky is all I see All I want from you is forgive me So you bring this poor dog in from the rain Though he just wants right back out again My eyes seek reality My fingers seek my veins

20180519

2016 Honda Fit AAA 42342 20180518 Aaa 16892 20170521 Bought on 2016 2005 honda pilot 256825 20180518 aaa 253400 20180126 oil 245564 20170521 aaa 244300 20170307 New coil on cyl#5 244200 20170225 New spark plugs 243650 20170107 Replaced 4 quarts of the transmission fluid, changed upper transmission filter 20161125 242150 Replaced 4 quarts of the transmission fluid, changed oil and filter, replaced air filter. 20160703 236363 aaa 20160613 235420 Oil and filter, used synthetic, change after 7000 miles 20160426 232831 Starter from orielly lifetime warranty 20160315 229779 Steering pump and return hose at dealer, oil and filter change at dealer 20150922 217650 Tires at Costco 5yr/70000 warranty 201507 oil change and tire rotation at dealership 209630 may 2015 aaa 206560 20150313 oil & filter, complete Trans fluid. 20 timing belt 20 oil and filter 20 replaced drivers airbag and seat belt at honda dealer Honda dealer at some point 192582 20140715 oil and tire rotation at Honda dealership 192000 new rear rotors and brakes pryce 189300 may 2014 aaa 20140328 185600 oil and air 175000 20130914 front brakes 171000est 201307 new tires oil chg 168680 may 2013 aaa 165300 20130405 oil chg filter air filter and tire rotation pryce 157700 20130104 oil chg and oil filter and tire rotation replaced right headlight 151100 oil and filter 2006 buell xb12scg 20180518 40469 aaa 20171020 39121 new rear tire contiattack2 added 3oz Dyna beads and painted rim black as I had ding it up changing it with the tire irons and I was tired of always trying to clean it. Aaa 38002 2010521 20170421 37872 new front tire (added 2 Oz dyna beads), got 15,597 on last conti2 front 20160703 36130 aaa 20150922 32770 rewelded kickstand 201508 new back tire in Visalia battlax Got 10000 miles on last conti roadattack2? 20150627 added mister system to oil cooler 27572 may 2015 aaa 27572 20150525 new spark plugs ngk 6546 gapped at 35 26725 26 Mar 2015 brakes 26600 added charging ports under seat 26543 13 Mar 2015 oil & filter, and primary oil (primary was still purple and clear moderate shavings on magnet , engine oil was black light shavings on the magnet ) 26200 added extra battery in saddlebag 26000 13 Feb 2015 added saddlebags 23100 6 jun 2014 new air filter 22824 may 2014 aaa 22275 20140329 tires continental road attack 2 19247 may 2013 aaa 1995 chevy astro AAA 236529 20180518 Aaa 236484 2010521 20160700 2310830 two new front tires 20160703 231012 aaa 20150 new waterpump, plugs, wires, cap, rotor, brakes, rear wheel cylinders, coolant flush, oil change at cjs 221630 may 2015 aaa 20141120 219935 front brake pads last ones were pro stop these are break best select from oriley's 216136 jul 2014 2 new rear tires and tire rotation 215800 may 2014 aaa 211313 may 2013 aaa 211313 15 may 2013 Flex pipe on exhaust remd catalyctic 20130914 212800 oil chg and smog PT cruiser AAA 181927 20180518 1997 Honda Passport Aaa 186470 2010521 20160708 173700 new front tires 20160703 173072 aaa 20160430 168000 new front drivers rotor new pads on front brakes 201601 new battery Oil change 20150813 new clutch new engine rear seal gasket 20150705 new serpentine belt (alternator) 20150 replaced alternator 1552 28 20150627 new crank pulley and serpentine belts 154361 may 2015 aaa 146900 sep 2014 front fenders and bumper, headlights 146900 Oct 2014 two front tires, upper a arm passenger side. 200 200 17th of November 2014 oil change and tire rotation at the dealership 2001 Crown Vic 20180515 227750 AAA (Actual 206,393) 20180514 purchased 1993 Infiniti g20 281181 may 2013 aaa 20121222 278000 fuel pump Feb 2013 fnt brakes 1988 Honda accord 201602 Sold 326280 may 2015 aaa 325980 may 2014 aaa 324600 may 2013 aaa Jun 2012 322550 aaa 29dec2012 rr brakes 23feb2013 fnt brakes 1984 ford 71812 may 2013 aaa 1964 ford f150 Pryce bike 83 honda sabre 47700 may 2013 aaa Pryce scoot meuduo 945 may 2013 aaa

20180518

Gate code for Angela # 2598

20180504

Scouting: BSA What does the 'B' stand for again? It used to be for 'Boy'. The Boy Scouts of America has had a long tradition in the United States and in the church that I am a member of. It has also gone through many changes over the years. Women have been a part of the Boy Scouts of America since the 1970's, in response to declining male leadership.

20180422

Mormon night at dodgers stadium is the largest group event the ballpark gets, and probably the least profitable night as there's less beer sales

20180414 0632

20180414 0632 Somehow I told myself after someone died that I would still be able to feel them even though they are gone. Afterwards I felt nothing and told myself that they must then no longer exist.